TWO YEARS

Posted on January 3, 2013 by justin

Were pretty much at the two year anniversary of this website.  A lot of things have happened in the last two years.  No more school, new nephews, jobs, people saying things, losing loved ones, everything falling apart, etc.

I’ve written short stories, poems, random sports articles, life blogs that are actual blogs and not fake tumblr blogs.  I could get cliche and say I’ve written out my heart but saying things like that make me feel weird.  I guess I’ve been writing what ever pops into my mind to be honest.

Remember when I wrote that short e-book thingy of short writing stuff on this here website?  I really wish that could of been better.

I don’t think I’ve run out of ideas over time.  Its just that I’ve run out of passion.  Or maybe the passion has just run from me.  I don’t know.  It all just hurts at time, well a lot of the time.  Like all the time.  Sometimes it feels like I’m always so personal about my life in my writing that people just see it as a blur of messages now and don’t care anymore (as if they ever cared tho),

I think I have less answers now then I did two years ago.  My life is far worse to be honest.  I mean everything is continually falling apart around me.  Its hard to understand.  When I say things at home are bad I mean we have no water anymore.  I mean we goto someone in are family’s house and get water from them and take it back home.

I wish, I really wish I could walk away and find out about my life down in South Carolina.  But just like when I was 13, and even more so now, leaving isn’t an option for me.  Its sad to think they look down on me for that.  That I know I need to be here taking care of these people and hope I can escape when everything is better.  We both know that’s not truth tho,  it will never get good enough for me to leave.  And I’ll be stuck here away from all that I really love.

As if what I love is actually real tho.  I don’t know if I don’t think the person is real or if I don’t think there love is real.  I can’t tell the difference anymore.  But in the end I don’t know if the indifference of my thoughts really matter.  It hurts the same either way.  I had a worst nightmare (had) because its already become true and now I’m living it.  How do you watch life setup that personal hell hole for you knowing well its going to push you in it when the times right and still do all the things that set you up to be pushed in.  Maybe its because I was led towards it by a pretty face hoping her sweetness wasn’t just a trap.  But alas fate is a cruel mistress and here I sit in my hole alone.

Nobody will read this far into this post.  I don’t think anybody reads past the first paragraph.  I love to say my life is my greatest story but no one reads my story and wow that depresses the fuck out of me to be honest.  Its basically like saying no one cares about my life.  But then people say they care but they don’t read these words.  I don’t care if you talk to me or look at me.  I just hope you care enough to read these words once.

I like to think I want to write something again.  I said I would at the end of the last big thing I wrote.  But I really don’t know if I can anymore.  I nothing to write about anymore besides random thoughts that pop into my head every now and again.

I’m just really bitter sometimes toward the whole situation.  Sometimes I lay in bed and cry about it (which is sad in itself).  I guess I don’t blame her for making the same decisions I have, I mean we’ve been told we act exactly alike.  I wish it wasn’t to this big of a fault tho.  To the point neither of us can leave where we are to come to each other.  I think were idiots or something.

Or I’m the idiot who can’t tell he’s being lied to over and over again.

But I guess its ok because I hate myself.  I hate myself so much for so many reasons.  Do you know how hard it us to solve simple problems within your own life.  So many things upset me and I can’t do anything about them.  I can’t just pick up a phone or talk to someone about it.  Life hates me like that.

I just keep falling face first forward into life right now.  A constant failure knowingly failing because there is nothing else to do with my life.  Also the allure of that lie she told me is pretty great.

So in short this website has basically turned into a self hate blog, sorry.

 

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  • inc

    I read your post. I commented roughly 6 months ago. Clearly you are in a bad environment. Clearly you feel obligated to be there. Clearly you cannot get over this past relationship. Look at your life – not in self pity, in that pain-indulging introspection that strikes enough of a chord to keep you going..but rather look at your circumstances. Is it any wonder that you are unhappy? You are where you are. You cannot change your past now. You can change your future. 

    Look at where you want to be. Forget about this past relationship. So far you’ve watched yourself become miserable over her. You tie so much of your unhappiness to her, but the truth is your happiness does not lay with her; you’l begin to find happiness when you relinquish that poor excuse for self sympathy and relentless defeat. 

    You have your own thoughts about the world.. your own opinions. There are a lot of things you can’t control, but there are also many that you can. So pick some changes you can make that you believe will make you happy. Find a place to move, a life to live that you can be satisfied with and even enjoy. If you don’t give yourself chances, we won’t have to read your blog to find where you end up.

    I gave you similar advice 6 months ago. Some things have changed and others stayed the same – certainly – but how far have you come since then? You still pathetically lament her. She is not your greatness, your mind has built her up to be. Find love that loves you. Love yourself and be great to as many as you can afford, but first you must secure yourself. 

    In 6 months you have grown little. This is not another token to satisfy your thirst for failure and self defeat. It’s a chance to look back 6 months from now and say I’m better this June than I was last June. It’s a chance if you take it. Otherwise, it’s another failure to arm yourself with in your quest for self defeat. It’s your life, the choice is yours. You can make excuses, or you can give it your all. Be wise in how you spend your energy. Focus your efforts carefully on endeavors you have chosen to better yourself and your life. Afterall, you have so much to lose and so much to gain. Move in the right direction – you owe it to yourself.

    • cazjuice

       You are absolutely right.