I saw storm clouds tonight and I feel like it should be raining right now. I remember when one day got so bad that it started to rain. And that is my current thing lately. Remember every single horrible thing in my life.
I just read some things Ella said in the past and my heart about broke.
I was talking with an old friend the other day and I said for the first time something secret. Me and Ella did actually discuss plan on meeting. We had a time table set up and things somewhat figured out. I never heard from her after that and it all fell thru.
My mind dwells more on the negative. The she must hate me. She must of left me. She must of never been real like I feared all these years. I often forget the absolute passion she spoke with when she talked about being with me. It was guaranteed that we would meet to her. And to be honest she would talk about extremes. Sex, babies, etc. I was more surprised by the detail she would go into more then the fact she went into it at all.
But there is this girl who needs to be with me. Ive talked on and off with her for years. Routinely she would disappear for months and we wouldn’t talk forever. Those months apart almost killed me each time. Pushing me forward toward a ledge with a hand on my back to guide me.
I haven’t talked with her since late June and as you can tell its making me slowly fall apart. I can’t even write right now. But that mite be because I need headphones.
(Its late and I’m getting tired)
Been thru far too much without an end in sight. I don’t know what’s next. I want that happy ending in my life. Not some continuum of numbing nothingness.
I guess I didn’t start to remember how poor I really am till this summer when I had to eat less or not at all just to get by. Somethings never change. From when I younger to now. Still barely getting by.
I know my family wants me to make my life better. But being here on the ground makes me realize making it better isn’t a big improvement from this.
Part of me wants to drink away everything Ive known and forget every single “I love you” she ever told me. Forget it all in an empty bottle and never feel anything again. Burn away the memories and never live life again.
I don’t know whats real and whats just my nightmares. I can’t go on like this.
(she’s probably still reading every post on here like she always has)
I don’t know what do.