Ive had these fears for almost four years. Something that grows from loving things you can’t see. Hugging ghosts and talking with spirits. Betting against it all with shadows. Telling the world about my imaginary friend. I swear she’s ever so real.
Empty empty months and weeks. padded silence on my walls. Demons bouncing back and forth in my head knocking all my screws loose. Using my veins as a toxic waste dump. Fears passing from my head to my toes. Taking me over slowly like a poison injected into my arm.
And then I wake up at night after all these years. And it hits me square in the soul. That worst fear Ive had since the beginning. Something I knew would crush me if it ever came true.
A shadow at night standing just beyond my finger tips. The biggest smile with the cutest voice. Inching me forward every night. Telling me I’m so close, just another step closer. Leading me out to empty deserts and leaving me all alone when the sun rises.
Miles and miles from people that care for me. Separating me from the ones that take care of me. Hopeless hope in a hopeful person. Burying there death inside of them. Letting it rot from the inside out under the beating of the sun.
Half dead on my last breath she will show again. Clockwork that never moves till you think its time to throw it away. Feeding your starved soul. Filling it with just enough life to make sure you can survive till next time.
Telling you all the world’s beauty. Batting angel’s wings around your cracked heart. Rolling frail clothe around my opened chest, and she calls it medicine. Stories of demons that keep my personal angel kept locked up. It would never be her fault.
Civilization constantly on my horizon. But I choose to stay in this baron wasteland. One day months from now she will return and I will be waiting. On my last breath face down in the dried up earth. And she will pick me up and tell me how proud she is that I waited.
She will tell me “You no longer have to wait. I’m here with you forever now.”. Ill smile. Ill smile more when her shadow glimmers in the moonlight. A happy little fantasy that keeps me trapped in a place called hell.