Fucking Fuck

Believe in me

Like I believe in you

Believe in every single little fairy tale you find

Be the hero

Be the princess

Be the fucking dragon

Be the sun and the moon

Goto the stars and fucking back again

I’ll be on top of the brightest one

Waiting for you

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I finally realize… I don’t really realize anything.  I don’t see beyond these cliche words.  I grow no deeper meaning inside myself.  I’m just a man obsessed with doing nothing.  If these walls could talk they would speak of silence.  Sad songs and long nights.  A wonderment matched only with my pure disinterest. A lull if to put into words.

This feeling is far too common with me.  Its not an ending.  Its not a beginning.  Its just an existence upon itself.  It lives just because it does.  The same as how I breathe.  Purely a reflex and a casualty to circumstance.

If only if was enough.  My sky would be full of clouds and sun.  But I lay my head underneath an empty canopy.  A starless sky.  It beckons my interest in the smallest of ways.  The smallest spark of light like a dying sun.  Only in example because it exists like a firefly.  Lost quietly in the night like it never lived in the first place.

I’m lost.

Easily found again.

Gone from places I’ve never left.

I don’t think I’m alone.

I’ve never thought of this as lonely.


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I wish I could scream louder.

Cry more.

And just die slower every day.


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I don’t want to be saved.

I want to be lost.

Somewhere in the back streets of some suburb.

Left in the vacant lot full of trash.

Where the high school kids drink during the summer.

I want to be forgotten.

behind the broken down cars and stray cats.

I want the peace that comes with death.

But keep the hell that comes from still living.

I just want this constant numbing pain.

Behind my ears.

Threatening to pop out my chest.

I want to hurt.

So every other problem I have disappears.

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Thursday Night

I am but the full outcome of my mistakes.

The complete end of my means.

Each and every decision that I failed to make.

I am myself.

An overly selfish person.

Who at all costs cannot save himself.

Me, without a savior.

I am alive sadly.

It will come at the cost of you.

But it is a price I am willing to pay.

For I am of most importance.

See me for who I am.

The last person worth saving.


It lays low under the night.

Dripping across my windowsill.

Dancing for me before I fall asleep.

My love.

My only love.

How it falls from the sky for me.

It sings such a slow song.

Moving along with my own heart.

If we could see sunlight it would be this.

It would be beautiful.

It would be life giving.

It would be all I ever hoped.

Here I lay.

Under a canopy of my love.


I am at last.

…. Alive?

Does breathing count as living.

I’m at least existing at the very least.

To some extent.

During most weekdays.

Sometimes the weekends too.

I guess its ok.

To be this way.


The world is restless without you.

The rain loses its beauty when you’re away.

It goes a little like a song I used to know.

She becomes the world.

Only to leave.

And now I live in this empty place.

Full of people I used to know.

And everything I was is now strange to me.

Could it be you never left.

And that I valued a ghost.

I valued you as a shadow.

Its high noon and I can’t find you.

Its 3 AM and I can’t find you.

Oh, my shadow where have you gone.

As the sad moon watches from a far.

Waiting to find what he has lost.



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Favorite Music Junk

Top 5 Bands

  1. Old 97s
  2. Barenaked Ladies
  3. Domestic Problems
  4. Snow Patrol
  5. Pierce The Veil

Top 5 Singers

  1. The Weeknd
  2. Frank Ocean
  3. John Legend
  4. JMSN
  5. Mike Posner

Top 5 Rappers

  1. J Cole
  2. Kanye West
  3. Kid Cudi
  4. Childish Gambino
  5. Tyler, The Creator

Top 10 Songs (5 was too short)

  1. Hey Mama by Kanye West
  2. Good Morning by Kanye West
  3. Thinkin Bout You by Frank Ocean
  4. Who Dat by J Cole
  5. The Fall by The Weeknd
  6. American Wedding by Frank Ocean
  7. Homecoming by Kanye West
  8. Heartbeat by Childish Gambino
  9. One Foot Out The Door by Mike Posner
  10. Return Of Simba by J Cole

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I had Monday Off

I lack passion.  I lack passion like someone would lack appropriate recommendations on a resume or credit score they would need to get a loan for a used car.  Can you even get loans for a used car? Is that a thing?

Like a midsummer’s twilight dream (we need to bring back cliche words) this feeling is far and in between in Michigan.  The summer is hot during the day and cold at night.  Not cold in a refreshing way but more like “what the hell when did it become October”.  It feels like a snowless Christmas.  Something I can’t really explain beyond trite written words of nothing.

If anything its like a pain in my chest.  As if my whole body is telling me to stop and pay attention.

I thought I saw them the other day. For a moment, something a little shorter then a moment actually.  I felt my chest cave in.  Like when your at a concert and the person comes out for the first time. Everyone jumps up and your knocked over the head with music.

Then I remembered the world isn’t that kind of place.  Its not for me and its not for you.  It exists to punish the breathing.  Carry us forward with little treats and lies about tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t exist (I only wrote that because it sounded dramatic).

I think we can all boil down who we are to an idea or a set of them.  Not a code of conduct but a set of beliefs.  Those things we hold dear while others talk over us.  The silence. the loud overbearing silence of are soul.

My favorite one is that I only love myself because no one else will do it.  As if everyone needs to be loved and seemingly no one in the world can do that for me so I do it myself.

Which leads us to another one.  If someone has to do it and no one will do it then I must do it.  I grew up the last of 6 kids so normally I was never given the first shot at solving a problem.  When all else (or everyone else) fails I would simply step in and do my best to make it work because someone had to.  And if someone has to and no one does.  It must mean I have to do it.  ( I doubt this makes any sense at all).

High school is a rough time for everyone (one way or another).  Usually your in the 98% of it sucked and hurt you.  Or your in the 2% of high school was great but I peaked during it.  Either way teens always need a way to release some of that unfound validation they never got.  Usually they would find it in each other (In the most horrible ways).

If someone is having such a bad day that they need to punch you then so be it.  Did it kill me, no.   Was it ok, I guess.  I’m still here standing for nothing so I guess all those high school days didn’t hurt me.  And if they made them feel better then so be it.

This has really gone off topic.

To boil it down to bullet points (because that’s what the hip people do).

  • Stand tall when no one else can
  • Love yourself when no one else will
  • Other people are having a bad time and its ok to let it happen

I can’t seem to find happiness often.  But I can find myself and some short bits of quiet when needed.  I don’t know what’s beyond myself.  I don’t know where I’m going.  But I know who I am and who I’m going to be (Hint: Hopefully the same person I am right now).

In truth I don’t know anything at all.

I just know life is going to happen one way or another.

And if push comes to shove I guess I’ll just keep my head up and stand tall.

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Rainy Season

Don’t let go of what you can’t have.

The passing days like childhood storms.

Can you still hear your silence under the blanket.

Why do you hide from such beauty

The storm.

Its all you’ll ever want.

More then you need.

Just enough of crazy to keep you sane.

Open every window and door.

Let the water wash you anew.

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What Was Once Here

I miss reading books.

I miss laying around and just thinking about shit.

I miss being young enough to worry about nothing.

I forgot myself somewhere along the way.  Somewhere after handwritten notes about tomorrow.  Little graphs about nowhere.  And those tiny half-lit stories about what could be.

I was once this beaming bit of expectation. Not much, but more then nothing at all.

And even that last little bit has left me now.

I miss myself.

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Its Been Awhile Hasn’t It

Something happened to me the other day.

Something odd.

Something different.

All the worries inside of me decided to stop caring.

I’m worried for my worries.

I’m worried they’ll be gone.

I’m worried that I’ll never be the same.

This silence.

This bit of nothingness in my life waiting to be filled.

Its troublesome to the person I thought I was.

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