I’ve settled down a bit with life and shit (but I still swear ((and shit)). My job isn’t a toxic waste dump of depression (right now). I don’t know why I keep writing (like this). I wanted to write something fun and interesting but I’m a little tired and far too bored to think this out.
I can’t stop thinking about all the times you never said anything to me.
You know that deep on setting wave of fear you get before something unavoidably horrible is about to happen? Like a natural disaster or something. When we get tornado warnings I’ve always told myself they can’t happen unless the wind stops. So if the wind is blowing I calm down because a tornado can’t happen when the wind is blowing. I’ve researched this though and I know its a lie.
But it calms me anyway.
I lie to myself about as much as I lie to the people I work with (hint:I lie to them all the time).
But it calms me anyway.
When I say its going to be ok I really mean (I’m going to make it ok or die trying and it would be a worse situation if I died in front of you so we’re going to make this work).
What if I write myself away. Work myself out of this hole. It could happen, just keep digging up. The illusion of progress and pretending its not a sinking feeling. If you close your eyes falling feels a lot like flying.
My eyes are heavy and my shoulders are sore.
The music is too loud but the thought of you is just right.
Lets play a game called love (wow that was so cliche).
Or just sit around and talk about shit.
I think its cool to laugh at nothing (and apparently write about nothing).
I fell asleep at this point (or I think I just went to bed leaving everything on my laptop).
So yeah, done writing.
Loving someone without knowing it.
Without knowing them.
Before you’ve realized its too late.
This is my greatest fear.
You’ve already romanticized there smile.
The simple little laugh they do.
I’m already lost to a daydream like its a distant memory.
When we were kids riding in cars to nowhere in the middle of an endless summer.
The one Christmas we got the perfect gift.
The first kiss, and then the second first kiss.
Its a trap to fall in love this way.
But I feel as if I already know you when I really don’t.
I swear to god if you smile one more time I’ll be yours.
I’m sorry I fell in love with you. I just happened to trip over something I wasn’t expecting .
I need you to trust me
Believe in me
Only see me
I can be everything
I need a few days to bring it altogether
The Sun and stars
The moon and back
I’ll pull a couple planets from my pocket that you’ve never seen before
I could be a god
But only for you
I know its hard to see this potential in me
But I was born with wings that are waiting to grow
(p.s this is stupid)
Sometimes I’m driving and my mind starts to drift. I stare off at the passing cars as I start this kind of rift in my heart.
Its stupid to daydream and drive. Stupid to say hello and goodbye in the same sentence. Stupid to waste your time on a wannabe when you need a couldbe, shouldbe, betterbe.
I can feel the warmth of your skin. All the places my hands have been. I know its safe to say its been condemned. But damn me to hell because I never want it to end.
It circles my mind all of the time till I’ve run out of this home hoping its done but it never ends and it keeps on going and keeps on going and keeps on going like a grammatically incorrect sentence some novice of a writer wrote.
This passion fascinates me for some reason. In my mind I have treason. Deep conceited answers to this problem. Like a hippy folk album. I’m singing about love for the worst… reasons?
You convince yourself that you have deeper meaning. That you’re doing something more then dreaming. As if your night and day will start blending.
But nobody loves you the way you do. Playing yourself for a fool. Watching while hoping nobody sees your drool.
She’s the greatest. Easily beyond the rarest. But you’re just fixated with this non-existent idea of her that’s not really her. And now your worshiping a deity as if it was god.
Bronze statues (and maybe small animal sacrifices) aren’t really her. But either way you’ll have to admit she’s pretty damn beautiful.
So while you’re laying in the grass listening to passing cars because you just crashed yours. Maybe you’ll realize those thoughts weren’t worth it. Burn the pictures and replaces those fixtures in your mind. When the cop leans down over you with a frown I hope you realize you can’t crash into her life.
After all, your love was just a shallow little daydream that drifted away.
I bore with the thought of tomorrow. My sideways glance avoiding the gaze of the future. I can’t stand its ever existing presence.
I die 10,000 different ways each morning from all the anxiety. The stress takes my heart and stretches if beyond recover. Then the heavy breathing begins.
But I calm, then I tense, then I calm again. All before breaking down and giving up before I even start. I can think of 100,000 different ways my day will be ruined.
I can feel my pulse under my skin. The pumping blood. Every challenge feels like a mountain I need to climb or I die.
It builds up and up till it falls down and crushes me.
Anxiety that only calms when I overcome the mountain of problems. Slowly fading away with each passing hour.
Then I get really pissed off that I had to deal with all those problems in the first place. As if people are purposely making me feel like this.
Like I’m about to die every day I exist.
Its terrifying in the most extreme way.
I’m scared and I fear for my life. I pray for security. Some kind of safety net to catch me if I lose my footing.
If I fail there is nothing stopping me from hitting rock bottom.
I run low of you at midnight’s last second
To yearn is silence
Speaking only in whispers
Fearing the passing breeze may take my words to you
Wanting you as quietly as possible
I wonder far too often
What it must be like to lay next to you
I dream of being a thought
Placed precariously in your mind
No worry in the world but the distance between me and you
Dreaming only of the day where I can talk a little louder
And use my lips in so many different ways
Saving my whispers for when I have words only meant for you
As midnight passes, taking away my needed breeze
I hope nature betrays me and carries every little word I’ve ever said
Let it trickle through the night sky
Each little whisper of my love
Stopping momentarily while you sleep
Even if its just a whisper
You’ll know I love you
That’s all I really have to say, I am.
I am saddened
I am distraught
I am depressed
My arms reach around the world and find nothing but despair.
My hands reach deep inside my chest and find so much worse.
I am hopeless
I am never ending
I am falling
Fire is burning all around us.
It will never stop.
We are all burning away.
I am in pain
I am dying
But sadly I am alive
And all that is happening is before me.
And I cannot escape the pain of knowing what is happening.
My existence is burdened with the existence of others.
I am worried
I am watching
I am without answer
If it rained we would drown.
If day became we night we would disappear.
We exist because are being hurt.
I am ashamed
I am vengeful
I am giving up
Praise be a higher power that ends us swiftly.
Let it take away all the hateful thoughts.
Hoping it forces understanding into are hearts.
I am done
I can feel the stress in my chest during particularly shitty moments. It builds up in a second as I realize the situation I’m in.
Somebody just asked for help
I’m not trained to help them
This problem isn’t solvable even if I was trained
They expect answers I can’t give
It all hits me in a simple second and grows in my chest like a cancer. If it was spread out over time. Maybe if I actually freaked out instead of fully understanding these situations so quickly. It hurts all the same though.
The after effect echoes through my body. Shaking me from head to toe with all that could of went wrong. And how much better I could handled the situation. It angers me to no end what I could of done when properly put in the situation.
Every downfall I have to overcome is killing me. Every needless obstacle I shouldn’t have to climb is hurting me. There is no reason for life to be this hard. It annoys me to no end.
When I’m done with this nonsense I’ll be done.
If we could take away from each and every day
All the little things that make us up
Every action and each word we say
All are messed up thoughts and inadvertent stares
Could we find something good inside
Something worth keeping
Could we find the person we wish we were
Or would there be nothing left to show
An empty vessel full of itself
I yearn for the right words
The correct thoughts
And all the best ways to express myself
I want a world worth loving
Build myself from all the good pieces
Smile, for its the last day you’ll ever frown
When you wake up you’ll never dream again
Every waking moment will fill your every need
I’ll never love more then this
I’ll be happy
My void will be nonexistent
I want relief
Sweet rest for my tired body
I want the chance to continue
Something beyond this simple existence
I miss fire
I miss the burning
The scarring of skin
I love myself
A little too much to be honest
I just want to write nothing forever
With absolutes and extremes
And added nonsense
I believe in this
More then anything
I will write my love
Curse my thoughts
And yell till my head can no longer think in large fonts
My feet hurt a little
My elbows aren’t working correctly
I’ll write again one day
On my back
Staring at my ceiling
Hoping its somewhere different