I had such a bad day at work on Saturday that on Sunday I went outside and pushed carts with my sleeves rolled up for 3 hours just so I could get away from my boss. Sleeves rolled up no winter gloves or hat to make it hurt more. It took another manager toward the end of Sunday to finally calm me down. Me and my boss eventually flipped back to normal but we haven’t talked about Saturday at all. Yesterday during my shift my sister called me and told me my brother was admitted to the hospital for heart problems (again, it happened last year).
My friend asked me if I was ok. I didn’t really reply. I really I don’t know.
I’m not fucking ok at all.
My dad went to thru this before finally disappearing, leaving, dying, whatever. And its the reason when people die I just think about how my life changes without them and thats it. And I’m already thinking about whats going to happen to me when my brother is gone.
I’m not worried.
I’m not upset.
I’m not concerned.
I’m just waiting to see how his health changes my life so I can move on from it.
I used to always hate my siblings for letting my dad’s death affect how they act. They would avoid certain hospitals,etc. And I’m sitting here completely avoiding my brother in the hospital so I don’t have to deal with another family member dying on me.
if anything I’m angry.
My best friend asked me if I did self harm and I couldn’t say no.
Pushing carts without winter gear and bare arms just to feel pain is pretty bad. I even had the gloves and hat in my pockets the whole time. My arms turned deep aggressive shades of red and purple. I only got worried when snow was freezing against my arms. Then I put my sleeves down (that was 2 hours into it).
I haven’t slept tonight, I don’t know how to.
This stress is built up inside of me with no place to go.
Before work yesterday I just shoved a pillow around my head for 30 minutes and did my best to pretend I didn’t exist.
Tonight I played games with some people I know on PSN for 7 hours straight pretending I didn’t exist.
Last week I just slowly stopped eating. I dropped into a serious funk, popped out, fell back in, stepped out, drop a mile back down into the hole. I’m just sitting back at the bottom of this place I know so well. I’m not even upset about being here.
I’m only rambling this off right now because I still can’t sleep.
The old depression thought about only living so long has been creeping back into my head last few days. It was never a suicidal thought kind of thing. But a I can only handle so much life kind of time limit. The thought of 30 has been whirling around my head again.
I don’t remember the last time I made it one full year without life altering things happening around me.
I feel like the second coming of my depression is unavoidable. I got a whole lot better in the last year. Hopefully this is temporary but I have no idea.
The more I write this the more my head physically hurts. I’m just going to start the old depression norms (lights off, eerie fucking music, etc) and collapse somewhere.