One of the worst things in life is when you like someone. Let me rephrase that please. The worst thing in life is when people know you like someone. They smile, they gush, they grab you by the throat and throw you forward at them. To them there acting as cupid. To the person you like there acting as the trap that set the boulder Indiana Jones is running from.
I am an everlasting boulder.
I try not to like people anymore. Its something not meant for me. Like large amounts of money and a higher education. There’s this checklist of things you can have in life.
O- Love Of Your Life
⊗- Crushing Depression
⊗- Good Friends
O- Solid Career
O- Nice Car
Some people have this long list of things that are all checked off. Makes me happy for them but I get a little sad when I stare my little list scrawled on the backside of my hand. Not at what I can’t have. But at what I have. I guess this is all worded poorly. The fact I’ve been hiding my true feelings behind some higher bit of self worth that is paper thin. I like to say what I can’t have doesn’t bother me. Its not that it doesn’t bother me. Its that I don’t let it turn me into a crazy person (or at least I think I’m not a crazy person).
I wasn’t going to make this my culmination of 5 years of writing on this website but shit happens I guess.
I’m going to make a list of all the mistakes I’ve ever made in my life. As if I can find some deeper meaning in my life from it. Or at least define who I am in a new way. To make myself easier to understand or see (as in that’s the whole point of writing).
- Being born- Not only a mistake for myself but for my family. Economically and emotionally. I hate the fact as a family you only want each other to be alive so you can see them around the holidays and smile about how nice it is. As the last kid of 6 it wasn’t the smartest choice to have me. Hopefully I can add more to the world then being a shitty writer to make up for this grave mistake.
- Stealing Gum- I remember being little and wanting that zebra rainbow gum stuff. I was told no but it fit so easily in my pocket. I think about that from time to time. The more and more I know about retail the more I know how dumb of a mistake that was. I could of walked around and collected the change for that gum. Stealing it was as lazy as you can get.
- Telling My Cousin I Loved Her- I just remember being really little and playing in my aunts basement. I was kid and I don’t know why the fuck I said that. Looking back at that (I realized this a long time ago) it was just me struggling at communicating. I’m sure what I meant to say was “You’re fucking cool. So cool I’ll spell you’re correctly just for you”.
- Questioning Social Norms And Expectations- Not any specific mistake. But only that I saw it as a mistake. Those decisions weren’t wrong. And looking to how everyone else acted was my mistake. Growing older and trying things is a part of life. I should realized all the shit you do in life doesn’t define you forever. Your ever changing.
- Getting My Shorts Stuck In My Bike Seat- I still don’t know how I did that. It was weird and I had to get out of my shorts to get them off my bike.
- That Girl At School- You were wrong. I was your mistake. I was and am still just a dumb boy. It took me like 5 years or so to even notice that you cared a little back then. I didn’t even believe it till I saw your dad that one day while at work. I was never worth it. I don’t think it was at least.
- Telling Little White Lies To Make Life Easier- I still do this to this day and its grown worse because of where I work.
” No sir, every manager went home for the night and won’t be here till tomorrow.”
“My computer system won’t let me make a change like that. I physically can’t do that for you.”
“The state has a law against such things so I can’t do that for you.”
“If I do that I’ll get fired.”
These all work better then “Policy states I can’t do that for you”.
- Spending That Week In My Friends Basement After My Dad Died- I feel like that is the single strongest event to define me as a person in life. I know what I wrote above. But I’ve never been able to wash that week off my heart. I actually still cope with with emotionally distressing issues the same way. I get in a dark room, I turn on a mind numbing video game, I play it till my brain is beyond numb and can’t work anymore. I hid from my family, I hid from my friends, I hid from the whole fucking world. It changed me as a person forever. My parents had already started living apart and being “split” up. And the whole rubber band effect on my 13 year old body was too much for me. I shut down, I wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t breathe. I literally went numb for a whole week till the funeral. It started, the music started playing, and I cried like a newborn baby in front of every family member, friend, and person in the community that was there.
- Not Caring About Anything- I didn’t care about my grades (I wasn’t going to college while living in a single parent household. How the fuck could we afford that). I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t want to live anymore. I just couldn’t stand being alive. I played games, I went on late night walks, I listened to music for hours without moving. I so much wanted to disappear from the face of the earth for years.
- Hiding From My Poor Mother By Staying With My Drunk Brother- Food, heat in the winter, air conditioning in the summer, entertainment besides the local tv channels. I got really good at sleeping on couches as a teenager. I remember trying to hide behind a couch one night because my brother wanted me to watch him play Madden at 3 AM. He wouldn’t let me sleep. I had to stay up with him and watch. I wasn’t allowed to use his bed because eventually he was going to pass out in it. One night I stole my other brother’s car keys and hid in it for an hour. And on the other hand one summer night I walked a mile or so without telling my mom and went to my brothers. I couldn’t stand the house anymore because of how hot it was.
- Fighting My Brother- I only see this as a mistake because it got my mother involved. This defined me in a way I like to see as positive. One day I realized I wasn’t a kid anymore and it changed everything. I was an adult who could defend himself from abuse. I defended the fuck out of myself.
- Trying To Deal With My Alcoholic Sister- I have these 2 nephews. I love them more then anything in the world. My sister was divorced and liked to party (I remember when she was married and she would argue with her husband in really loud Spanish). I used to “babysit” my nephews a lot during all of this. It was implied I would be paid when she left and when she came back she would rarely follow thru. I didn’t do it for the money. I did it because my nephews needed to be safe. I spent years doing that till it broke me and we became estranged for a few years. I despised her and hated her very angrily. About half of my life from age 0-18 was defined by alcoholics. Me and my nephews would stay up and they would ask me why there mom always went out and why shouldn’t wouldn’t come home. I dealt with her for them.
I was left with too heavy a burden at too young of an age and it broke me.
- Alienating Every Person Close To Me In Life- I can confidently say I’m somewhat trying to stop this. I have some friends again. We hang out. We do things. From grade school to high school I completely changed friends. I stopped knowing people I knew since the 1st grade. I don’t know a single person I went to high school with anymore. I don’t even remember people I went to college with. I’m trying real hard to keep some of these people close by. Happy to say my current best friend has lasted pass being employed at the same job phase.
- Not Trying Hard Enough In My Chosen Career- I always tell the same story at work “after college I was offered two jobs. A bartender at a strip club in Battle Creek and a cashier job at Meijers”. I was barely looking and put little effort. I will always suck at making resumes and I can’t change that. But I just don’t apply myself to jobs I care about. Or even try to escape my current one.
- I Fell In Love- I fell so fucking hard that I would literally crumble to the ground at work after she walked by. I guess I felt it too much because I would sit on my knees while talking to her sometimes (I work at a service desk and one end was really low so I just looked like a short person leaning against it). She was just… COOL. She knew about music and dumb tv shows we watched. She was just an honest person. One of those people that speak with there bodies but don’t know that they do. I liked her. I fucking liked her. And I was too chicken shit to actually say it. I don’t see that as a mistake. I really really really really liked her as a person. I wanted to be friends with her, forever, I guess that means a relationship (that’s what all my friends said((inception-this brings us back to the first paragraph)). I just wanted to talk with her forever, it was fun, I liked it. I don’t think she minded being friends. I wonder if we were too close and it bothered her that other people noticed. The whole thing was stupid. She told me not to talk to her again. She switched departments. Months later she would see me at work and try to say stuff to me and I wouldn’t say a thing. She quit.
The end comes to the beginning. I have so little in life. But I have a family that’s better then it used to be. I have a job that pays somewhat better then other places. I have a car that squeaks and some pants with holes in them. I have a best friend who has the funniest baby girl. I have so much in life that I never thought I would have. My list of things I had in life was shorter then this 10 years ago. My future surpassed my expectations.
I think I’m just a little happy too.
Wow, its been 5 years since I started this website (with the help of a Mister Brian Spaeth). All because someone read a poorly written little story that made them laugh. And you know, that’s all writing really is. Making people feel pointless little emotions with words you wrote.
I’ve discovered a lot of myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve publicly dealt with a lot of bullshit that didn’t need to be public. But here on this website I feel that being overly honest is the best. I feel that its right to write out almost everything about my life (even if its embarrassing-The girl I used to talk to online, the above cousin section, or the whole having my soul destroyed by a girl I fell in love with). Its a part of art that can’t be distorted to altered. Its the pure reflection of life in words.
I want this post to go on forever, have 50 billion mini stories, 70 poems, and emotional heart felt reflection on the world. But its not going to happen because its 3 AM again and I’m too tired.
I hate myself and love myself at the same time. I’m not confused I just know what I’m about. And I’m all about the stupid crap that happens in my life. One day I’ll be standing alone somewhere, thinking about my life, I’ll be 45 years old and 5 years from my own death. I’ll finally know true understanding of ones self and with that I’ll finally find that happiness I’ve been searching for. Its a little overrated and probably won’t be worth it. But its going to happen.
P.S bonus mistake
- That One Time I said “I Love You” On The Phone-I know you thought I had a crush on you forever and that’s a fucking life. It was for like a month and it came and went. We talked about a lot of dumb shit over the last couple years and its been relieving to say the least. And for the person who always said shit like “You know you love me you can say it” in front of customers at work its real hypocritical of you to act like I was saying something wrong. This goes back to the whole bad at expressing myself verbally thing. I guess what I was trying to say was “thanks for talking to me about shit I thought I could never talk about. Its taken a great weight off my shoulders and I finally feel somewhat like a normal person for the first time in my life”.
P.P.S It didn’t mean I was confessing to you.
P.P.P.S I DIDN’T FORGET HOW AWKWARD YOU MADE ME FEEL YOU ASS.