I’m A Little Scared

Nothing more then the wind against my back

Nothing on my skin will crack

I’m a roaring wave

That late night you so crave

My bare skin

And all that sin

Betrayal and trust

Stare if you must

I’m severed I’m on my last

Your hands are moving a little too fast

But I still got one more breath

Before we can give it a rest

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Poems By Sean

1.

What is this place

That leaves naught a trace

Of sea or sand

That takes the ocean breeze from my hand

It makes my dreams empty

And fills me with Oh so much pity

For the single minded

Acting if there blinded

By the unknown

And wherever the wind is blown

2.

Do you see

The rising sea

And how it crushes

All that rushes

To catch its waves

Its storms I will brave

To touch the edge of its waters

The sea is my love and for her

I will drown in its deep

Lay myself to sleep in its reefs

I’m here for the silence

Hoping we can end…

This

3.

I write for someone else now

For you I will no longer bow

I was adrift in your raging sea

Wondering wondering what I could be

Now I’m alive with fire

and I’m in dire dire

Need of something to fill

My overflowing heart till it tips over and spills

All my passion is churning

Like the midnight sea storming

4.

In bed I am on edge

I am a book waiting to be read

Conclusion:

Lately life has been rather OK and its been weird.  I’ve been thrown a new little writing project and I’m really enjoying real actual writing.  Its actually going well too.  Only problem is my laptop that is constantly crashing and breaking while I write.  Also since I’ve been writing more I haven’t felt a great need trying to “accomplish” other things all day.  When I wasn’t writing for such a long period of time I was just playing like video games and shit to pass the time.  Pretending I was doing something with my time.  I actually like did something constructive with an old friend online today, went to lunch with my brother, bought a car from my other brother, watched a movie, WROTE A LITTLE BIT, and walked/jogged on an exorcise bike for like an hour while I did my laundry.  I feel like a person for the first time in a long time.  I don’t know what to make of this muse but its nice and I’m enjoying it.

P.S

Poems By Sean is about the obvious.  Poems the character Sean wrote.  If you remember Sean he was originally from my old blog I think.  But more importantly was the main character in Beads (Beads really never got finished BTW).  I don’t know if you can see the theme in the poems for the new story.  But I really wanted to put Sean back in for this and the other person who had the story idea (Hint: The Muse) liked the idea of there name starting with SEA.  If you seriously stalk my tumblr you would of saw a small excerpt from the story posted to it.

P.P.S

“Nobody fell overboard my dear.  Just a few Sea Otters getting overly friendly with the Ole SS Princess.” said the Captain stepping forward and blocking my path with his girth, stench of beer, and week old stale beer nuts.

“Sea Otters just love giant old yachts.  A little too much if you ask me.” said the Captain while glaring back overboard. Then he flicked his still lit cigarette blunt over the edge of the railing causing the Sea Otters to loudly swim away.

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Its Saturday

It feels like a summer afternoon and I’m 12 years old again.

The right kind of heat outside but actually I’m 26 and feeling kind of sick.

But here I am watching cartoons and thinking about food.

Wondering about my family and laying around doing absolutely nothing.

The ultimate content-ness.

I could almost say I feel happy right now.

If I wasn’t dreading my need to jog more.

Or going back to my soul killing job in a day or so.

Being an adult is weird.

I need a new laptop to continue my writing.

But I don’t want to spend money.

I miss this feeling of childhood innocence.

Its alright I guess.

I don’t have a real worry right now.

I only wish this happened more often.

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Protected: Mermaids Are Politically Incorrect Part 1

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Hurt My Face

The blood on my lips drip drips

Across my shirt all these rips

I represent the undying death

Its unwavering hatred that won’t rest

The crying storm

The old jeans that were never worn

Do you remember the past

And how it would never last

Can I be dirt

Pretending it all never hurt

Can I run far

Escaping every passing car

I want to be alone

As far away as I can be from the phone

I don’t want to hear it

I can’t stand it

This life is shit

And its giving me fucking nervous fits

I’m going to jump up and explode

Switch, switch, switch this mode

I’m on a constant spin

And my light is getting kind of dim

Do I take what I got

Just to escape this fucked up spot

Can I make a little happiness

Out of this fucked up mess

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I Ran Out

I died in a car crash, I was murdered, my heart ran out.

I don’t know which is which but I know I’m on the out and out.

Last night was my last night

Alright, alright, didn’t you hear the screaming all night.

I went with anger, I went with pain, I went even though I was filled with all this rage.

I’m writing a new story now and I’ve turned the page.

Walking thru the afterlife of trauma and demise.

I don’t know where I’m going because I lost both eyes.

Lost myself to the idea of survival.

That if I run mile by mile.

The truth will save me.

The truth will free me.

Oh, I found the truth and it killed me in this dark room.

It came in with an ax and a boom.

I knew it was time

Because I was running out of words that could rhyme.

My lungs gave out and all the air around me was gone.

I knew, I knew I no longer belonged.

I won’t see you anytime soon.

There’s a special place for people who give up on living, somewhere far, somewhere beyond the moon.

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Cut Out My Soul One More Time

I’m as lonely as you can be when you’re all alone

But never as lonely as when I’m with you

Shouting in this barely audible tone

About all the places you wish I was beside you

***

Murder me tonight

Take my hand and cut till I cry out and bite

At all the blood flowing out of me

Cut out my heart and set me free

Crush my throat in your hands

You wouldn’t to chase me even if I ran

This attack is pain

And all this hate is falling like rain

One after another against my skin

Another scar on my arm to mark the sin

***

I tore out my heart

With my bare hands I ripped it apart

I screamed into the night

That no more would anyone be alright

I’m going to bury each mistake

Finally cut loose all these nightmares I can’t escape

Become the reason

Give into the treason

Let your blood boil

Let the world toil

Soon you’ll cut its throat

With every word you ever wrote

****

The problem is I’m dying.  I’m being ran into the ground and all my problems are still falling on top of me.

I was sitting at home tonight and suddenly I was 13 again.  Staring up at my pillar responsible for holding up my life.  And its crumbling right on top of me.  I feel myself putting all its weigh on top of me so the pillar won’t fall.  Sadly I’ve become the pillar so it can still live.  Pretending to be useful when its really not.  A pillar to support a pillar. It was meant to support the world but now the world is gone and it lives a false life.  My life is the life of the useless pillar and I am here supporting it.

I’m tired.  So tired. Unbelievably fucking tired.  And I keep telling myself I can’t take anymore.  But the sky falls and I catch it in my hands.  Do you understand Atlas now? His bloodied hands that will never heal. His fractured elbows and cracked shoulder blades.  My back hurts under the weight of it all.  And you keep adding more and more.  Why do you weep? I catch you along with the weight of the sky.  I catch you as if you were the sky. And to me you are as important as every star in the night sky. Worth my time and worth my pain. I would die every day trying to catch you.  Never regretting, never once. I ruin myself for what I find worth in. I don’t need to be hurt but I’ll die anyway.

Better then Atlas because I only need one hand to hold the sky and my other hand is for holding everything else up that I love.

So tired.

But I am strong

These words have me wired

I know I’ll never be wrong

I chose you

Because you were worth choosing

I’ll paint the sky red even though its blue

You’re someone worth loving

 

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Fighting For Something

I sit on the shore because I’m washed away

I bake under the sun because its another day

And this fire is hotter inside of me

Ripping at my skin dying to let it be free

I’m a raging fire on a cold summer night

Gather around and I’ll tell you a little story alright

There once was a child who became man

It scared him so much he ran and ran

Soon he was lost but found the sea

And well he found the solution you see

One cold killing the other

Never again would his pain be a bother

That’s why I sit under the sun

Pointing its warmth at me like a gun

I hope its fire can consume the fire inside

And then the world can run around telling each other how I died

Tell them I burst into flames

Like a bunch of exploding paper planes

Say it was beautiful

Please don’t be truthful

Say it didn’t hurt me at all

Say it was like hitting the ground after you fall

Tell each other I’m ok now

And that you don’t have to worry about me now

Make me into a memory

One that isn’t too deary

Hold it close

But make it something you can forget I suppose

Like the passing breeze

Making it simple for you to be at ease

I’m gone

And my story is something you should never become

 

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Today Is A Day

I keep thinking about how I love people.  What I love about them and how I could love them more.

“From the bottom of my heart like a sinking ship

To the edge of my fingertips”

I constantly comeback to this one thought I had in the winter.

“No matter how much I love that person it doesn’t matter.  Just because I love someone it doesn’t mean they’ll love me back.”

Just because I stare it doesn’t mean they’ll care.  I mean it sounds super creepy that way but I mean it in the most sincere way.  I’m not here to get all angry because some cute girl won’t accept my flowers.  That’s fucking stupid.  People who love you choose to love you and that’s why its so beautiful.  They can choose anyone but they choose you.  You can’t make people love you.  It can be very upsetting that way but it can’t be any other way.

“It makes me want to die. I’m dying right now.”

Love is such a strong feeling.  Its also really stupid. If I’m going to get angry over anything its going to over how it makes me feel.  But I’ve had some great experiences from it.

“I used to have a crush on her I guess. I mean it never really went away.  I just love her more as a friend then I’ll ever like her as a crush.”

I love friends and that makes me happy.  That whole unrequited “romantic” love thing is whatever.  It doesn’t define my existence that I can’t get someone to let me hold there hand.

I want to say I’m ugly but I don’t care. I am who I am. It sucks though.

“Justin you’re an amazing person who cares about people so much.”  You deserve to be happy.”

You get what you get. Nothing more and nothing less. I’m content with what I got.

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Wrote This For No Reason

I just saw a cow

As we were passing by just now

Its gone already

I don’t want to get too heavy

But when I call you beautiful I don’t mean to belittle you

God! I look at you and I just want to—

***

Day and night

All this screaming makes it seem alright

I’m asleep at the wheel

Thinking this dream is for real

That I’m holding your hand

As we sway to our favorite band

The music is a little loud

And I’m a little too proud

But I’ll tell you anyway

How I love you every which way

From the bottom of my heart like a sinking ship

To the edge of my fingertips

I find a new way to love you everyday

And if I may

Will you stay one more night

And let me hold you tight

I think tomorrow will change I guess

If you lay next to me and give it a rest

***

I wish I was this cool ferocious dude

Walking around and easily so rude

A walking fireball of devotion

Someone that puts every thought into motion

I could drive a truck

And not give a single fuck

Would I love this life

And all its strife

I need to be this bad guy

Who will always skip goodbyes

Never ask for your hand

But always take your hand

Someone who is strong enough for your startled heart

Am I playing the part

Of the aggressive lover boy

Or am I just another toy

Waiting to be thrown out

As soon as you step up and shout

Will I crumble

Or simply become horrible

I’m a man in need of air

And I’m refusing to make this transaction fair

***

Death to my consciousness

Wash away all this needlessness

I’m a drunk man on the beach

The sun is setting and I’m about to preach

Nothing good came from living a good life

It all got better when I turned around and found that knife

One down two gone

And I knew all along

I never loved you

Oh these words are true

I killed every single part of me worth saving

And all this air is depriving

Me of the death I don’t deserve

Because I forgot to call up and reserve

I’m a mess, a sinking ship, and I’m dying fast

Tap me on the shoulder and steer my half fallen mast

I’m dirty, unshaven, and beyond reasonable

My eyes are becoming unreliable

I think I see the sea

And the quickest way to be free

 

 

 

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