Sorry This Is Embarrassing

I like to hang upside down

And think about your frown

I would pretend its a smile

But that’s a lie I would be stretching for miles

 

Rooms so shallow

Like a kiddie pool

Rooms so dark and hallow

Like this girl playing the fool

 

Words so quiet that any sound at all is louder then the day

An angry angsty attitude that make people ask “Are you ok?”

Did something happen a minute ago

That made you quiet and go

 

If I could see inside

Something that makes me say something stupid and cliche like its beyond time

An explosion of awesome

Sugar, spice, and everything amazing.  Really wish you would share some

 

I know what I’m writing is stupid and annoying

But I’m trying to imagine this thought of you while balancing

All the right words to say

About this amazing friend that took me the other day

 

I’m trapped

In some kind of a relationship that is wrapped

By the arms of a loner

That is too embarrassed to get any closer

 

I feel taken by the night

I guess I’ll be alright

I don’t really know anymore

All I know is when its between me and you I don’t want much more

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Just Once

I see strength

This insane amount of strength

Its unfair the fear you’ve felt

And this seriously shitty hand you’ve been dealt

I wonder what made you stay

Instead of so easily running away

When you fell on your back

Staring at the ceiling wondering where the sky could be at

Did you find the solution

Make some kind of cliche resolution

To paint night into day

And to never runaway

What keeps you going

Why do you keep moving

Its driving me insane

How your soul, body, and mind still remain

I wish I was strong like you

I wish every word I said was true

When I look up I see a friend

Someone crazy like me who won’t let this end

 

 

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Childish

I fear having everything I’ve ever wanted.  The weight of expectation leaves me grasping for air and I feel the panic attack sitting in.  What if everything was perfect and I still was a fuck up.

What part of life dictates your decisions.

Why is mine so full of indecision

All these words

Flowing up from my head like birds

Is that absurd

For me to use the same old words

I get stuck on the idea of cliche and how trite all these words can be.  How do I explain of this.  All this inside of me and all of this outside of me.  I find it hard to talk out loud and convey these same thoughts.

I know these people.

Sisters.

Mothers.

People I wish were lovers.

I can’t find ways to tell them its all going to be ok.

And tomorrow will soon be today.

I’ll find some worth in me.

Planted deep inside my heart like a tree.

I’ll finger paint for my soul.

Soon making myself whole.

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I Lost My Sanity

Can we restart

That last part

Where I said what I shouldn’t

And you said you’d stay but you couldn’t

Now I’m walking

You won’t let me keep talking

So I’m chasing some form of sanity

To recapture my forsaken reality

Can I grab you back

If I lay off this attack

Will I break you

Or will it break me too

Am I dying in flow

Or just running out of breath slow

Have you gone down

How I saw you last with a frown

Turning someone who wouldn’t stop smiling

Into a ghost that keeps escaping

Am I alone

Are you at home

If I put one foot in front of the other

Will you let come on over

I won’t break these windows and shatter the glass

I won’t scream and be that easy going ass

I’m just a constant rain cloud

That won’t make you proud

These scars you fell in love with

Have always been something I’ve had to live with

We live what we love

And love what we live

But you couldn’t love forever what I live because it all seemed like a lie

How could I always feel like I’ve died

I’m clearly standing outside your door

Shouting back and forth

From one personality to the next

I can’t keep myself in check

And without you I’m a fucking mess

I hear the sirens and I know I’m next

I’m sorry I’m crazy

But the sky is getting hazy

And I’m about to disappear from you

Like all this love between me and you

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Crashed

Dark blue

And 3 different hues of you

Faded green in dying grass

Dark pinks and flaring reds of road rash

I’m bleeding out my creativity

And I’m breathing heavily

As the flames light up

All the walls around me that I couldn’t keep up

I am a burning massacre of colored light

Not shining or bright

But like a stream of trickling water that was damned

I’ve made a few mistakes leading up to this and how I feel so damned

As if right now I’ve reached the end

My car went around the bend

And didn’t come out the other side

Now I sit where I cried

Holding all these broken pieces together

I thought I was forever

But forever is over

Moreover

I didn’t give my best

But I guess this is where I rest

On the green grass bleeding

Under the blue sky still needing

 

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I Want To Be Enough

I’ve been falling for awhile now

At lease several miles

This endless sky is carrying away

While the day stops moving and the sun just won’t go away

I can’t stop thinking about everything

How you used to be my everything

Now this fire burns all over everything

 

I didn’t wish up that star

I grabbed it bare handed while falling out of my latest bar

Dreaming and drinking of a better way

To pick you up on my horse and take you away

But I’m not a king or even a knight

I just play the lover in the night

Today is the day you find out this isn’t alright

 

I wrote this for you so you’ll know where all this blood is coming from

When all my words can’t be undone

I’ll sit right down on the ground

Passing my shame and sorrows around and around

Searching for that last bit of yesterday

Trying to keep the empty thoughts without you at bay

Maybe you can save me.  Maybe we can runaway

 

I’m just the kid hiding under the covers

Knowing this feeling won’t last forever

Like my next birthday it all seems so distant

Like my heart can’t yet tell what’s missing

I’m going to fall

From a building that’s 50 ft tall

Curse my fucking soul because I’ll get up and crawl

 

Searching for everything

Running for my life

Dying on my last leg in search of what you were missing

 

 

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I Like Your Face

All day

Every day

I see you staring

Because you see I’m dying

Every time I think about you

And how awesome you are just being you

I feel a little lighter

My face shines a little brighter

And I can’t stop this smile

Because for no reason you stop what you’re doing and smile like a crocodile

Like a backwards dance

I think I fell in love by chance

Now my life is moving in reverse

And I don’t know why of course

But if I had to take a guess

I would assume your better then all the rest

I can’t take my eyes off this simple little idea

And how it picks at my brain creating my thoughts into a meal

Making me feel satisfied for about god damn ever

I know these lines aren’t very clever

But I’m just trying to say what’s on my mind

All the fucking time

Its the worlds greatest headache

The stress built up in my neck

My body is fighting this invasion of happy go lucky

Let’s hope I give in and let it help me

So I can grow this heart of mine

With all these little petty thoughts of yours and mine

 

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In My Pocket

I’m your shadow, some form of ever lasting.

When you fall asleep on the warm side of the pillow and you still wonder when the night will start ending.

I know you hate words, especially when they don’t make sense.

Hard to compare and move toward this something when its at your expense.

Can I just stop?

And tell you about the time I wrote all over my arm.

Markings of little Xs and Os. A heart shape drawing here or there.

It wasn’t out of love.  Pressing the pen harder and harder against my skin made me feel better.

Till all the blue hearts started turning red.

I want to do drugs and die in the most painful way.  But soon I’ll realize I’m addicted to this depression and how it numbs me away.

Can I talk.  Can I speak.  Of all the times I couldn’t walk or get up out of my seat.

The stifled darkness that sped life out of me with certain quickness.

Do you remember air?

Because I don’t.

I stopped getting tired a long time ago.  Now I just pass out after I lay down.  And dream a dreamless sleep.  Only of you and how you make me feel.

Completely empty.

And devoid of anything worthwhile.

This is simply life without air and all I can do is breathe it in.

 

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Broken Again Again

I do this weird thing in the winter when its really dry and I randomly bleed from my nose.

I still think about how awesome you are.

That one time.

And how I can’t put the simplest thoughts into words.

I really miss the dark ages.  When my dark room with its covered windows took away all the pain.  And I could disappear from the perennial ways of tomorrow.

I don’t like writing just at one point in my life all I had was words.  I would call it a crutch but that would be wrong.  Its more like I learned to walk with a limp.

Phantom pain I guess is what its called.  Like when you step on a lego piece and it still hurts after you walk away.  But like your heart stepped on a lego piece.

The sky is falling down

And all around

I see these half shining stars

Are so far far

Away from me

As if I’m watching from deep under the sea

And I’m drowning in a river of you

Under the ice so cool

And the light in my bedroom starts to flicker

Just like my thoughts of her

Replaced by the blank emptiness of the night sky

And if tonight I die

I’ll be the only star you see

Born to be set free

In an afterlife void of existence

Never knowing if I was worth your simple two cents

Drown out by the darkness

Without a single witness

And here I stand (which is a lie because I’m sitting).  With the cold knowledge of myself hanging off the tip of my tongue.  Every little white lie hanging off me.  Weighing me with yesterday.  I like this place and how it has no lights.  And how its always between midnight and 4 AM.

 

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Pulled Down To Earth

“Its ok to scream.” she grinned.

She stared at her unsuspecting pray.  Her sailor in the deep and her innocent little child in her garden.

“Sorry, I’m just not used to this.  Whatever this is.” said the innocence in boxer briefs. His red raw skin shining under the moon.  Eyes glimmering with the images of the oncoming slaughter.

Does he not see? Does he not know?  Wasn’t all the pretense as obvious as her intentions?

“Well, I think were going to have to get you used to this.” said the monster of lust. Slithering away the warmth of the night sky from the fleeing star.

“I don’t know.” paused the barely of age man.

“Oh, you will soon enough.” said the fingers running across his arm.

“I don’t know.” repeated the sailor washing away with silence of the storm.

“But you will.”  said the tentacle tracing a circle on his shoulder.

“I don’t know.” said the boy with the last word dripping off his tongue with the last of his breath.

She didn’t reply, but simply pressed her fangs against his existence and ceased to let his mouth do what it was made to do.  And suddenly breathing became very complicated.

The forming of a swamp.  Mostly because its hot and dirty.  We wish it was the forming of a man.  But that was stolen from him.  Along with most other things, including his pants.  And now were faced with some mismatched creature with human arms and dog legs.  Crying at the moon for it was the last bit of life it saw.

“Do you feel better now?” she whispered.

“I don’t know.” replied the creature.

 

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