The Randomness of a Unkept Mind

Ive been listening to the same song the whole weekend now.  And the same words keep repeating

Pocket full of stars.

Pocket full of stars.

Pocket full of stars.

Those far places.  Bright lights of the future.  In the end only reside in your pocket.  Hopes and dreams that only really exist with you.   You may look up at night to see them.  But in the end they aren’t really there.

Just crumpled up notes in a dirty pocket of a forgotten man.  Lost with a life and gone with the one he loved.  Nothing but dreams tossed with the trash and loose change.   Pennies and visions of clouds.  A face full of you and me lost in a mid summer night.

As I sit on this bench with a pocket full of stars all I can think about is the pain.  Can’t reach beyond myself to something better.  Something that will help.  Something I can love.  Too dark and I lose my feet one after another as I walk down an old path I used to know.

Lost in my pocket full of stars.  Looking for myself.  Waiting?  Hiding?  for? from? someone I need in my life.

The stars in my pocket could be real.  Or they could be fake.  But since there in my pocket I’ll just assume there as fake as the words on this page.

Three weeks of tomorrows and what could be’s.  A lifetime of yesterdays to come.  Four years and far too much pain.  Blood lost, scars kept, a dying heart withing.  All that is to come is about to be here.  On my doorstep with a noose or in my bed with a smile.

Some things in life are best left unexplained.  Best given to the sad artistic wording of a poor writer.  Just enough words to sound pretty but not enough to make sense.

Roses growing over a forgotten home.  Grass dying slowly on a hill.  Life is such that it is nothing.  But at times it can be everything.  Rainy days flood all that is forgotten back up to the surface.  And you spend all day swimming just to forget it again.

Standing under falling water.  A basketball clenched tightly in your hand.

You shoot one shot

You shoot two shots.

And you shoot another.

Soon forgetting the rain that is in your way of basketball.  Soon forgetting the life that is in the way of living.

Hesitantly he walked over the foreboding sand dune.  Blinding sun blocking his path but he continued.  He continued for a few miles till he realized something was wrong.

“This is starting to feel anticlimactic” and he stood still under the sun finally taking a moment to look around himself.

The world flipped, day turned to night, and the stats themselves danced across the sky for 15 seconds.  Which squarely put him on the ground.

“Yep, couldn’t let me walk into the blinding light like everyone else could you…” well knowing he isn’t new life being born with a new soul but an old life being born again with a new soul.

Beating an ever worn path along a familiar path outside of a familiar place.  “You know I was kind of hoping to just be reborn and move on with my life…  No need to return to the past.”

“What need do I have to step back into these memories. Rewatch past action.  Reopen old wounds and bleed old blood.  What do I have to gain from this…” Besides a good cold and some chills.

Walking, walking, walking, and some more walking.  Just walking in a circle avoiding the inevitable as long as I can.  To step back into the town, back thru that door.  Makes death seem inviting once again.

Makes wading in an endless cesspool seem like a trip in paradise.  I pine for the hell that I came from.  Or at least a nice little concussion to knock me out for a bit.

“Escape would be nice” he said as he looked down at his shoes for the first time.

“Just a simple double pat and it will all be gone.”

**And he slipped on his white Nikes and left the book on the ground**

I’d tried to tell them but they don’t know.  They don’t understand.  They cannot see and they cannot hear.   The world is burning around them and water is far from the source of the flame.  A punishment with no fit for us.  A crime committed against yourself.

Fear led me to this path.  Beaten foot prints along the dirt.  Kicking up dust of nothingness.  Going nowhere and thinking empty thoughts about empty things.

She knew.  He knew.  They all knew about me.  Forgotten and remembered all in the same.  Dropped like a piece of trash along the ground.  Wind swept into the skies, traveling to places unknown.  Rolling along deserts and past the bones of old.

And now that we’ve wallowed in self pity long enough I think its time to snap back to what is now life.  Floating on the oceans of life, along the sea of birth, just off the coast of birth.

“Has anyone ever been born like this before?” said the lifeless body set adrift by a soulless mind so many hours, days, years ago.

“I really don’t think I’m one of a kind.  Far too sad to think I’m the only one.” he oddly as bubbles formed next to his mouth as he laid face down in the water.  And he wondered how his words were forming since they were blocked from the water filling his lungs every time he tried to talk.

Another question for myself.  Another check on the list.  Maybe it was something I missed, a quiz or a test.  Was a school for this that I missed out on?  How To Be Born Elementary.  Maybe its a rebirth.  Or a finding of oneself.  So lost along my way that I have to find my soul again.  Or grow a new one real quick

Transfixed by the waters below.  The enigmas and genetic mixing and morphing below.  Pools of life sifting as I float by.  Forming life as I look for mine.  I really wish that How To Be Born school had a biology class none of this makes any sense to me.  Some form of importance lost on me.  Life being create so simply as I travel from one place to the next.  Stuck in an exemplified purgatory.  Meaning lost on me with my blank mind and blank stares.  Staring into the hand of god not knowing or understanding its meaning.

And as I float away it waves back at me sending me off into the next.  I wave back far too late, when I’m long gone from the eye of the universe.

Now the surf throws me onto the beach.  Different sand with different hills.  Foot prints in the sand everywhere I look.  Not one set, but a billion.  All moving forward over the hill into the on coming sun.  Blinding light for the new.  Beckoning light foregoing in the distance.

It all seems too simple doesn’t it.

**And he turned to the first page**

Life on the moon, sitting with a life jacket on.  No gravity to harm.  Water moves around my empty space.  Bubbling over the sun sending steam off into the unknown.  Places we’ve only seen thru telescopes and cupped hands.

A diamond heart buried in the sands of Mars.  Wind slept hills on an alien world.  But the steam still drifts over.  Darkening the dirt, carrying its life along the way.  Sprouting knowledge from where those sharp edges were buried beneath a dead planet.

Air in space.  Trees floating by as the water finally disappears.  Sprinklers set off from Pluto to Saturn.  A lush green lawn awaits the workings of creation.  A garden to grow.  A potted plant to die slowly.  Harsh time shall judge them all.

And we will sit in the past ignorant to all that will happen.  All that will make us irrelevant.  Dismantling the survival theory and lighting fire works in the sky.  And the next ones will soon learn the blight of just being here.  Wings will never grow because we are scared.  But we should be far more scared of the ground for it never lets go.

Hours behind a screen and a million words typed out slowly.  The truth overflowing in my closet.  Spilling out the windows for the world to read.  I say I love you and everyone hears.  You whisper back and no one knows those subtle little secrets between me and you.

Silenced tipped with sadistic poison.  Cruel, unusual, unruly.  Such happiness escapes me for short moments that the world believes I am always that way.  Most my days are spent thriving in a dark corner all alone.  Bouncing from one end of my brain to the other.  Wreaking havoc on m inner workings.  Digging a shallow grave for my soul to rest in.

Thinking about the rain.  Watching the clock go on its way.  Taking peace in nothing.  Crunching my hands every so often to break the quiet pain.  Daydreaming of a place where its better.  Where my tear drops fall across sandy beaches and empty waters.  Fake escape depresses me further.

Thoughts on what could be.  On what could come of me.  The fires that could start and burn me away.  Sad truth.  Unfaithful stories told to me from you.  Fairytale books with scribbles over the words.  The ending ripped out by an overactive 3 year old.

I fall from myself.  Thru the floor of my soul.  Set adrift underneath the crashing waves.  Below the surface of humanity.  And into the waking hour of death.  My last thoughts on hoping you keep on not caring.  Keep the pain away and go on living like I still don’t matter.

I want a winter morning on sun drenched beaches.  a golden carpet from tree tops in July.  To walk on the moon with my feet planted on Michigan.  Running in circles on a one way street.

We all fall apart, just a little.  Some skies snow, some even rain.  Water always finds its way to the desert.  Low lying hills down the road.  Collecting past thoughts and mistakes.  Filling up that lump on the back of your head.

It makes me slam my head against the wall till it breaks.  Spring streams from thawed out mountain tops.  May flowers from my blood soaked sheets.  Fleeting happiness runs from me.  Stopping every so often just to give me hope.

Blue roses on my chest.  Purple laced eyes staring around.  Crimson stars beating paths up high.  Drunk on the air in my mind.  Hearing sights and seeing sound.

And suddenly I roll down a fresh cut hill.  Covered in grass and lost in my laughter.  Spinning in my dreams, never stopping for a nightmare.  Going nowhere with the utmost happiness.

And when the world stops spinning I will see you.  Clothes covered in grass, just like mine.  A smile faded but soon to be reborn.  A kiss gone cold ready to be lit anew.   And a heart long empty ready to be filled.

Sun over my mountain.  Light creeping over my desert.  Life on top of me lofted in the wind, set a sail from the storm so many miles behind.

The clouds may brew and they may grey in my wake.  But my feet are rooted to the ground as the sky lives above me on another plane of existence.  In the heavens where thoughts and ideas far above my own take place.

Sometimes I take flight and visit for a bit along the sun washed stars or the rain filled clouds.  Take in there essence and breathe out there meanings.  Feel those emotions I cannot begin to understand.

I dream of far off lands with never ending rainbows and pitch black skies.  Ten times the Earth’s gravity upon my soul.  And rain that never stops.

But when I open my eyes I see the face in front of mine.  The smile that reflects upon my own.  Not a mirror or reflection.  But something that radiates within my soul and there’s.  Something that pulls me to her.  Her hand to mine is the purpose of these feelings.

Clearing skies and growing grass.  Flowers before me in the meadow.  Two set of feet walking beyond the torrential downpour.  Floating on hearts under the clouds but over the burnt ashes of yesterday.

At 9 o’clock meet me at the tree behind the middle school.  Bring a blanket for me and you.  Let me divulge my love for you under the sycamore tree on the hill we know all so well.  Pepper you with “I love you” and a hundred kisses under the moon lit sky.  Ill promise you all my devotion and all of me that you so desire in this late night hour.  All of me is for all of you and hand in hand I will lead you to a kiss that lead to so many other things.  Toss, turn, and roll down the hill with me like we did as kids those years ago.  And afterward let me tell you ever little secret about me.  Whisper sweet nothings into your ear as I keep you warm thru the night.  Wrap you in my arms and wrap you with my heart.  Thru out a night that will never end.  Keep this note hidden and our love will shine so bright tonight.

My hand on her hip.

My fingers against her bare skin.

My body against hers.

My warm breath against her neck.

My lips over her neck.

My waist  pressed against hers.

My lips to hers and my heart thumping with hers.

My hand slides up up her side gripping warmly.

My lips pressed down against hers.

We fell in love yesterday.  And tonight we have decided to never part.