I Am Ranting

I imagine talking, just talking.  Lots of talking because I like the idea of talking to her.

Sometimes I imagine after work conversations.  Damn…. I just like to pretend for a moment that she mite think I’m ok.

My self deprecating ways know no limits.  My assumptions are that I hate myself beyond my own comprehension.

But I still think about her.  Talking to her.  Sharing pointless bits of life.  It makes me happy. I like her.

I think liking her upsets her.  Makes her feel awkward about being around me.  Why should I care if she likes me or not if I just want to know her.  Friendship is such a weak term for this.

I want to know someone because knowing her for as long as possible would make me happy (I think).

Its upsetting to think liking someone mite make them not want to know me.  Why do I even have to like her in the first place?

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

Every time I think about knowing her I feel like I get overly happy.  It makes me hate myself.  I have no self confidence what so ever.  Because who in there right mind would ever like me back.

I’m a horrible person I guess.

People say I’m not but I feel like all there reasons don’t make me likable.

I guess.

I don’t really know.

But this pile of emotions is making me a wreck.  I can’t even count money without recounting it 10 times after talking to her. Or even looking at her… Or thinking about her.

WHY IS SHE STUCK ON MY MIND!?!?!?!

If I could even muster the courage to use words in her general direction.

To just explain why, or even try at least.

She’s the single most interesting person I’ve ever met in person.  She’s honest, almost overly honest.  Sometimes she says really weird and random things. When she explains a story or whatever she gets like physically excited and its adorable.  She’s nice but goofy.  And I feel like being around her will make me happy every second of my life.  I could listen to her talk for hours.  And just listen and listen.  God, that’s all I crave from her is just her pure enjoyment of life.

I tried to explain this.

I wish emotions weren’t nonrefundable.

They make me happy but the thought of them falling back to earth crush my chest from the inside out.

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Just This

I sit upon

My broken

Life

In this sad attempt at becoming happy

As if words

And simple little feelings

Can take me away

Save

Behold my honesty

I am faded glory

I am the fizz after the wave

And the clouds after the rain

Was once

Something

Do we care

If not

Why do we try

What am I but the culmination of all my failure

Life is learning

This lesson needs to be forgotten

I can take

I can create

I exist in this everlasting bit of

Nothing

They say I should be more then I am

But I am who I am

And who I am

Is just this

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Fuck

Remember remember

Today we are just children

Nothing more then pure innocence beckoning for the storm

I rock back and forth waiting for the wind

Waiting for the fall

Or the rise

Wherever my sails may take me

High or low  I am waiting for adulthood to come swiftly

Wow this is really stupid.  I don’t know why I’m writing this. Its 1 AM and I’m just freaking out because I’m trying to know someone.  Just know someone.  Why is this so fucking hard.  Why is this impossible.  I can’t say I’ve never had this problem before because I’ve never really taken that first step. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.  Friendship is magic?  I just want to know people.  Well, certain people.  I feel like I’m failing every second of the day.  I hate this anxiety of hoping someone doesn’t decide your too weird to know.  I want to know people.  I want to know her.  I want to know you.  What do you do with people to make it ok.  I don’t I’m probably… I know I’m overreacting.

Fuck life.

Fuck feelings.

Fuck everything.

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End It Here

I once saw the dreaming summer sun

And how it fell before me every night

I am at a lost to my fiery heart

And my misguided mind

I see day to night

And every single blight

An endless summer is what I wish

To be doomed by my thoughts

When the heart controls the mind

The mouth does say foolish things

I am agape with idiocy

For I have lost my eyes

And my ears

To the ways of someone I cannot begin to understand

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Not

Love you

Love you not

Love you

Love you not

Do you hear me

Do you not

Am I alive

Or am I dead

What am I in this life

If not an empty space right next to you

The heart wants

The heart needs

But we don’t all want the same

We don’t all breathe the same air

Can I talk

Can I not

Am I alive

Or am I dead

Because without a voice

I am not loved

And If you can’t see me

I’m not alive

 

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Sound

I am epiphany of sound

Trapped in space

But not a sound

Just the thumping of my chest

And the dancing stars all around

I hear a voice

Only yours

In the darkness of space

In a flash of light

I cannot be distracted from this sound

The thumping of my chest

And the thought of your hands

The turn of your smile

And the cold creeping over me

Delirious

But not broken

All I hear

Is the endless thumping in my chest

The end is sweet

But no sweeter then you

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You Breathe Fear

I am so sick

That the cold hard ground becomes my friend

And the wall I rest upon is my lifeline

If you listen closely you can hear my heart

Beating against the cement

I’m screaming with my hands

Rubbing them raw against the ground

I hate this

I feel like dying and I don’t know why

Why do I love someone so much

That the thought of them not liking me kills me

Destroys me

Throws me down against the ground

And petrifies me with fear

Who are you

That any life lacking you makes me give up

I hate this

But I love you so

And I pray that I find the will to stand up for you

And open up my silent mouth

If only for a minute

I’ll pretend I’m not scared

 

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Rain

I’m up all night listening to the sound of rain

Not waiting for once

Barely listening

It drowns out my thoughts

And numbs all my little pains

If I sit long enough

It will even wash away the memories

Purifying

Give air to my lungs

Let me wake to a new day

I am alive with rebirth

Wash away

Leaving only rubbed raw skin

And bits of dirt all over me

 

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Oh

Oh

This isn’t goodbye

A different way to a different yesterday

Oh

I know I loved you

More and more with each passing day

But my feet are restless with all the places I haven’t been

Oh

I’ll be thinking of you

With my neck burned from the sun

Oh

It won’t matter

Because its all behind me

And I’ll love each and every day like its my first

Oh

You can’t miss what you never had

But I’ll miss you all the same

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Walls

Nothing is more beautiful then my closed fist against a brick wall

An empty bank account on a cold night

Your family yelling at one in the morning and all you hear is your name

Pain is sweet

Like cotton candy

Pain is numbing

Like novocain

And every sleepless night is followed by an empty afternoon

If I could

If you only knew

Sometimes I throw my hands against tables, walls, and the cold hard ground

Just to taste the sweet feeling of pain one more time

Blood on my lips and a few cuts on my skin

Tonight will take away tomorrow

And by the end of the night I’ll wake up sometime next week

With only thoughts of nothing

I am forgetting

Every little problem

I ever had

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