Fake

I’ve settled down a bit with life and shit (but I still swear ((and shit)).  My job isn’t a toxic waste dump of depression (right now).  I don’t know why I keep writing (like this).  I wanted to write something fun and interesting but I’m a little tired and far too bored to think this out.

I can’t stop thinking about all the times you never said anything to me.

You know that deep on setting wave of fear you get before something unavoidably horrible is about to happen?  Like a natural disaster or something.  When we get tornado warnings I’ve always told myself they can’t happen unless the wind stops.  So if the wind is blowing I calm down because a tornado can’t happen when the wind is blowing. I’ve researched this though and I know its a lie.

But it calms me anyway.

I lie to myself about as much as I lie to the people I work with (hint:I lie to them all the time).

But it calms me anyway.

When I say its going to be ok I really mean (I’m going to make it ok or die trying and it would be a worse situation if I died in front of you so we’re going to make this work).

What if I write myself away.  Work myself out of this hole.  It could happen, just keep digging up.  The illusion of progress and pretending its not a sinking feeling.  If you close your eyes falling feels a lot like flying.

My eyes are heavy and my shoulders are sore.

The music is too loud but the thought of you is just right.

Lets play a game called love (wow that was so cliche).

Or just sit around and talk about shit.

I think its cool to laugh at nothing (and apparently write about nothing).

I fell asleep at this point (or I think I just went to bed leaving everything on my laptop).

So yeah, done writing.

 

 

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I Fell On My Face

Loving someone without knowing it.

Without knowing them.

Before you’ve realized its too late.

This is my greatest fear.

You’ve already romanticized there smile.

The simple little laugh they do.

I’m already lost to a daydream like its a distant memory.

When we were kids riding in cars to nowhere in the middle of an endless summer.

The one Christmas we got the perfect gift.

The first kiss, and then the second first kiss.

Its a trap to fall in love this way.

But I feel as if I already know you when I really don’t.

I swear to god if you smile one more time I’ll be yours.

I’m sorry I fell in love with you.  I just happened to trip over something I wasn’t expecting .

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Press Forward

I need you to trust me

Believe in me

Only see me

I can be everything

Almost anything

I need a few days to bring it altogether

The Sun and stars

The moon and back

I’ll pull a couple planets from my pocket that you’ve never seen before

I could be a god

But only for you

I know its hard to see this potential in me

But I was born with wings that are waiting to grow

(p.s this is stupid)

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But I Can Dream

Sometimes I’m driving and my mind starts to drift.  I stare off at the passing cars as I start this kind of rift in my heart.

Its stupid to daydream and drive.  Stupid to say hello and goodbye in the same sentence.  Stupid to waste your time on a wannabe when you need a couldbe, shouldbe, betterbe.

I can feel the warmth of your skin.  All the places my hands have been.  I know its safe to say its been condemned.  But damn me to hell because I never want it to end.

It circles my mind all of the time till I’ve run out of this home hoping its done but it never ends and it keeps on going and keeps on going and keeps on going like a grammatically incorrect sentence some novice of a writer wrote.

This passion fascinates me for some reason.  In my mind I have treason.  Deep conceited answers to this problem.  Like a hippy folk album.  I’m singing about love for the worst… reasons?

You convince yourself that you have deeper meaning.  That you’re doing something more then dreaming.  As if your night and day will start blending.

But nobody loves you the way you do.  Playing yourself for a fool.  Watching while hoping nobody sees your drool.

She’s the  greatest.  Easily beyond the rarest.  But you’re just fixated with this non-existent idea of her that’s not really her.  And now your worshiping a deity as if it was god.

Bronze statues (and maybe small animal sacrifices) aren’t really her.  But either way you’ll have to admit she’s pretty damn beautiful.

So while you’re laying in the grass listening to passing cars because you just crashed yours.  Maybe you’ll realize those thoughts weren’t worth it.  Burn the pictures and replaces those fixtures in your mind.  When the cop leans down over you with a frown I hope you realize you can’t crash into her life.

After all, your love was just a shallow little daydream that drifted away.

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My Nightmare

I bore with the thought of tomorrow. My sideways glance avoiding the gaze of the future.  I can’t stand its ever existing presence.

I die 10,000 different ways each morning from all the anxiety.  The stress takes my heart and stretches if beyond recover.  Then the heavy breathing begins.

But I calm, then I tense, then I calm again.  All before breaking down and giving up before I even start.  I can think of 100,000 different ways my day will be ruined.

I can feel my pulse under my skin.  The pumping blood.  Every challenge feels like a mountain I need to climb or I die.

Stress

Stress

Stress

It builds up and up till it falls down and crushes me.

Anxiety that only calms when I overcome the mountain of problems.  Slowly fading away with each passing hour.

I breathe.

I release.

Then I get really pissed off that I had to deal with all those problems in the first place.  As if people are purposely making me feel like this.

Like I’m about to die every day I exist.

Its terrifying in the most extreme way.

I’m scared and I fear for my life.  I pray for security. Some kind of safety net to catch me if I lose my footing.

If I fail there is nothing stopping me from hitting rock bottom.

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Quiet

I run low of you at midnight’s last second

To yearn is silence

Speaking only in whispers

Fearing the passing breeze may take my words to you

Wanting you as quietly as possible

I wonder far too often

What it must be like to lay next to you

I dream of being a thought

Placed precariously in your mind

No worry in the world but the distance between me and you

Dreaming only of the day where I can talk a little louder

And use my lips in so many different ways

Saving my whispers for when I have words only meant for you

As midnight passes, taking away my needed breeze

I hope nature betrays me and carries every little word I’ve ever said

Let it trickle through the night sky

Each little whisper of my love

Stopping momentarily while you sleep

One night

This night

Even if its just a whisper

You’ll know I love you

 

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I Am

I am

That’s all I really have to say, I am.

I am saddened

I am distraught

I am depressed

My arms reach around the world and find nothing but despair.

My hands reach deep inside my chest and find so much worse.

I am hopeless

I am never ending

I am falling

Fire is burning all around us.

It will never stop.

We are all burning away.

I am in pain

I am dying

But sadly I am alive

And all that is happening is before me.

And I cannot escape the pain  of knowing what is happening.

My existence is burdened with the existence of others.

I am worried

I am watching

I am without answer

If it rained we would drown.

If day became we night we would disappear.

We exist because are being hurt.

I am ashamed

I am vengeful

I am giving up

Praise be a higher power that ends us swiftly.

Let it take away all the hateful thoughts.

Hoping it forces understanding into are hearts.

I am done

 

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Shock

I can feel the stress in my chest during particularly shitty moments.  It builds up in a second as I realize the situation I’m in.

Somebody just asked for help

I’m not trained to help them

This problem isn’t solvable even if I was trained

They expect answers I can’t give

It all hits me in a simple second and grows in my chest like a cancer.  If it was spread out over time.  Maybe if I actually freaked out instead of fully understanding these situations so quickly.  It hurts all the same though.

The after effect echoes through my body.  Shaking me from head to toe with all that could of went wrong. And how much better I could handled the situation.  It angers me to no end what I could of done when properly put in the situation.

Every downfall I have to overcome is killing me.  Every needless obstacle I shouldn’t have to climb is hurting me.  There is no reason for life to be this hard.  It annoys me to no end.

When I’m done with this nonsense I’ll be done.

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Turn On The Lights

If we could take away from each and every day

All the little things that make us up

Every action and each word we say

All are messed up thoughts and inadvertent stares

Could we find something good inside

Something worth keeping

Could we find the person we wish we were

Or would there be nothing left to show

An empty vessel full of itself

I yearn for the right words

The correct thoughts

And all the best ways to express myself

I want a world worth loving

Build myself from all the good pieces

Smile, for its the last day you’ll ever frown

When you wake up you’ll never dream again

Every waking moment will fill your every need

I’ll never love more then this

I’ll be happy

My void will be nonexistent

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Chase

I want relief

Sweet rest for my tired body

I want the chance to continue

Desire

Demand

Need

Something beyond this simple existence

Not really

Maybe

I miss fire

I miss the burning

The scarring of skin

I love myself

A little too much to be honest

I just want to write nothing forever

With absolutes and extremes

Unneeded words

And added nonsense

I believe in this

More then anything

I will write my love

Curse my thoughts

And yell till my head can no longer think in large fonts

My feet hurt a little

My elbows aren’t working correctly

Sigh

Sigh

Sigh

I’ll write again one day

On my back

Staring at my ceiling

Hoping its somewhere different

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