I imagine talking, just talking. Lots of talking because I like the idea of talking to her.
Sometimes I imagine after work conversations. Damn…. I just like to pretend for a moment that she mite think I’m ok.
My self deprecating ways know no limits. My assumptions are that I hate myself beyond my own comprehension.
But I still think about her. Talking to her. Sharing pointless bits of life. It makes me happy. I like her.
I think liking her upsets her. Makes her feel awkward about being around me. Why should I care if she likes me or not if I just want to know her. Friendship is such a weak term for this.
I want to know someone because knowing her for as long as possible would make me happy (I think).
Its upsetting to think liking someone mite make them not want to know me. Why do I even have to like her in the first place?
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
Every time I think about knowing her I feel like I get overly happy. It makes me hate myself. I have no self confidence what so ever. Because who in there right mind would ever like me back.
I’m a horrible person I guess.
People say I’m not but I feel like all there reasons don’t make me likable.
I don’t really know.
But this pile of emotions is making me a wreck. I can’t even count money without recounting it 10 times after talking to her. Or even looking at her… Or thinking about her.
WHY IS SHE STUCK ON MY MIND!?!?!?!
If I could even muster the courage to use words in her general direction.
To just explain why, or even try at least.
She’s the single most interesting person I’ve ever met in person. She’s honest, almost overly honest. Sometimes she says really weird and random things. When she explains a story or whatever she gets like physically excited and its adorable. She’s nice but goofy. And I feel like being around her will make me happy every second of my life. I could listen to her talk for hours. And just listen and listen. God, that’s all I crave from her is just her pure enjoyment of life.
I tried to explain this.
I wish emotions weren’t nonrefundable.
They make me happy but the thought of them falling back to earth crush my chest from the inside out.