Raw

My hands are raw and running red.

Dripping dripping all over the snow.

Fingertips like paintbrushes.

Pain but a form of expression.

And my body is pushing against the canvas with all the will it can muster.

Am I somebody now.

Am I alive.

Does all this blood make me worth it.

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Gone Crazy

How do you tell someone that there louder then sound.

More blinding then the sun.

That every bit of life that they live screams at me till it echoes off the inside my skull forever.

What words do you use to tell them that you can’t find the right words to use.

How do you express joyous fear without sounding weird?

Can I simply tell them there stuck on my mind like a song stuck on repeat.

Words are hard to find that will in anyway express how I feel about this situation.

I feel lost.

I feel stuck.

I feel doomed.

I feel happy.

I feel excited.

Most of all I just feel scared.

Scared that all these things I know mite be true are actually true.

And I’m just slowly falling towards an end that will kill me.

Whether it was worth it or not won’t save me on my deathbed.

I’m just an idiot with a jumbled mess of words in his head.

And a hastily stitched heart on the inside of his sleeve so no one can see it.

Walking about 3 in the morning.

Searching for all those late night thoughts that disappeared before morning came.

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1-18-15

Remember me

Remember me tomorrow

Remember me when you sleep

But please remember me when I’m gone

I want to write something that I love so much that I’m not afraid to tattoo it on myself

Knowing I’ll love it everyday for the rest of my life

Knowing I’ll love it as much as I love you

But I’ll never love it as much as I love myself

I don’t remember when I got so angry about loving myself

It just happened like everything else in my life

Dreaming of something far better

A brighter sky

A warmer sun

A better me

Sleep is warm

Beds are warm

My single innocent thought of you is warm

The sun slipping passed a crooked curtain

I don’t really understand what’s going on right now.  Between the yelling and the glances.  Its odd that people are worried(?) about me.  I wonder if I need to be worried about. Is it bad that I need to be worried about right now? I’ve always been like this but I’m just letting more people know about me. I’ve gotten a lot better compared to last week.  I’m drifting a little but not in an unhealthy way.  I’m ok.  Just a little lost right now.

 

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I’m Falling

I’m falling, oh I’m falling.

Falling fast falling hard.

Falling on my last falling deep into my past.

Late at night you twist this retched knife into my stomach

With each touch

With each kiss

You throw me down till I’m falling

Oh I’m falling fast I’m falling hard

Falling on my last falling oh so far

Sitting thru the fire till it burns

You light me up till it burns

baby you’re a firecracker in a dried up summer field

And my July is endless with your flames

I’m falling fast

I’m falling hard

But I ain’t falling last no more.

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Lime

Somewhere sits s a lime green convertible along a sunny street corner.

His name was Ted.

Her name was May even though she felt more like Winter.

Each one was made up but not exclusively.

Ted was created as the owner of the lime green convertible.

May was created to be the lonely girl walking alongside said sunny street corner.

The creator wrote it with some sad idea of a love story happening from nothing.

Because you see May really loved the color lime. Down from her shoes and up to the lime green bow in her hair.

And the sad tragedy of this story was that Ted loved May.

We will mourn his faults based in all his idiocy.

We will fall for May as Ted will because she is all that is honest.

But for some reason she will never realize that Ted bought a lime green convertible on purpose.

Or maybe she will see it as destiny.

With a nice little daydream of one day divorcing Ted and taking the lime green convertible in the process.

But first you get to drop in the conversation.

“IS YOUR CAR LIME GREEN?!” said May.

“Well, yes it is.  Is that a problem?” answered Ted.

“NO, I JUST LOVE IT!” screamed May.

“Oh, want to sit in it?” tentatively asked Ted.

“–Uhh, I have to go now.” replied May before walking away hurriedly.

And we return back to my consensus of the story.

Ted loved an idea.

May loved color of lime green.

Which resulted in Ted going into a minor debt with a new car.

And May continuing her love of lime green and shyness around cute guys she likes.

I would continue this story but it ends here.

No more was written because no more happened.

And now I’m done talking.

Bye.

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Life Update 2015

I had such a bad day at work on Saturday that on Sunday I went outside and pushed carts with my sleeves rolled up for 3 hours just so I could get away from my boss.  Sleeves rolled up no winter gloves or hat to make it hurt more.  It took another manager toward the end of Sunday to finally calm me down.  Me and my boss eventually flipped back to normal but we haven’t talked about Saturday at all.  Yesterday during my shift my sister called me and told me my brother was admitted to the hospital for heart problems (again, it happened last year).

My friend asked me if I was ok.  I didn’t really reply.  I really I don’t know.

I’m not fucking ok at all.

My dad went to thru this before finally disappearing, leaving, dying, whatever. And its the reason when people die I just think about how my life changes without them and thats it.  And I’m already thinking about whats going to happen to me when my brother is gone.

I’m not worried.

I’m not upset.

I’m not concerned.

I’m just waiting to see how his health changes my life so I can move on from it.

I used to always hate my siblings for letting my dad’s death affect how they act.  They would avoid certain hospitals,etc.  And I’m sitting here completely avoiding my brother in the hospital so I don’t have to deal with another family member dying on me.

if anything I’m angry.

My best friend asked me if I did self harm and I couldn’t say no.

Pushing carts without winter gear and bare arms just to feel pain is pretty bad.  I even had the gloves and hat in my pockets the whole time. My arms turned deep aggressive shades of red and purple.  I only got worried when snow was freezing against my arms.  Then I put my sleeves down (that was 2 hours into it).

I haven’t slept tonight, I don’t know how to.

This stress is built up inside of me with no place to go.

Before work yesterday I just shoved a pillow around my head for 30 minutes and did my best to pretend I didn’t exist.

Tonight I played games with some people I know on PSN for 7 hours straight pretending I didn’t exist.

Last week I just slowly stopped eating.  I dropped into a serious funk, popped out, fell back in, stepped out, drop a mile back down into the hole. I’m just sitting back at the bottom of this place I know so well.  I’m not even upset about being here.

I’m only rambling this off right now because I still can’t sleep.

The old depression thought about only living so long has been creeping back into my head last few days.  It was never a suicidal thought kind of thing.  But a I can only handle so much life kind of time limit.  The thought of 30 has been whirling around my head again.

I don’t remember the last time I made it one full year without life altering things happening around me.

I feel like the second coming of my depression is unavoidable.  I got a whole lot better in the last year. Hopefully this is temporary but I have no idea.

The more I write this the more my head physically hurts.  I’m just going to start the old depression norms (lights off, eerie fucking music, etc) and collapse somewhere.

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Burn

Burn

Burn

Just fucking burn away

Scrape into my skin and boil into me

With needles and rocks pull out my tendons

Break me in the most painful way

Burn

Burn away

So that I can never see again

Let it all burn

Let it burn alone on a cold night

Under the clouded moon

Let me burn away

Just burn

And burn

 

 

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Fuck You

Fuck this as much as possible.

Fuck everything everywhere.

Fuck this persistent thought of depression pushing on the inside of my skull.

Fuck this stress pushing and pulling on the inside of my chest till I’m outside for hours letting snow freeze to my arms.

Fuck my hands for bleeding.

Fuck my daydreams about doing something to make myself happy.

Fuck all the bits of pain and trauma thrown into life just to ruin you.

But don’t fuck me and don’t fuck you.

Don’t fuck and fall over the friends that help you.

Not over the people who are just having a bad day.

But fuck this feeling of undying hatred for all that’s going wrong in my life.

I’m just this guy beating his hands against a wall because he can’t find any other way to escape.

As if throwing myself at some immovable object will one day set me free.

I don’t know what’s on the other side.

I have hopes.

None of them will be true.

But I’m ok with just finding myself on the other side of this mess.

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Forevermore

Forevermore tonight

Forevermore in my mind

Forevermore on my heart

Forevermore is forever plus more

Because forever just isn’t enough

I’ll always need more of you

Till tonight turns into today

And one more moments turns into another year

Forevermore I will find my way

Forevermore I will find myself in every piece of you

When I say forever please know I will always for more

Forever asking for a little more of you

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Every Second

At this point in my life I’m just lying on the ground hoping she feels an inch of what I feel for her.

If not let me enjoy this blissful ignorance for another moment before I come crashing down.

If I could choose day or night I would walk aimlessly thru any darkened street my feet may find.

Listening closing to the emptiness around me if only for the chance to hear the sweet sound of you.

A storm is brewing on the horizon.

I’m running out of trite cliche words.

There are a million things I want to say to you.

But when you start talking my mind goes blank.

And I just start enjoying every second of you.

I forget that I’m sad.

I forget the rest of my day.

I even forget what I wanted to say to you.

I never regret a moment with you.

I love every second I get.

One day they’ll run out.

But for now I’m happy.

 

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