Sean Walked A Lot

“Mama who is that man?” asked the little girl, maybe around 5 years old, maybe not.  We don’t know such things.  We just know she’s clinging tenderly to her mothers hand while crossing the street.  A grip of desperation that only little kids have when there out in the world.  Hanging onto there only lifeline.

“Maria, its not polite to stare at strangers.” said the mother while yanking her tiny 5 years or so old child to the opposite side of the street of that curious stranger.  Clutching her daughter like you would hold onto a cellphone or backpack.  Its just an everyday utensil in life.

***

He walked.

He walked all across town.

He walked behind the town dump.

He walked thru the dirty town park that could be confused for the town dump.

He walked by the stray cats.

And the stray snakes that had no homes.

He walked by the corner liquor store.

He walked thru the town grocery store once.

He walked into a restaurant, sat down for 5 minutes, and left.

He walked by her house.

He walked by his house.

He walked by your house.

He walked a lot.

***

“He’s always walking.  You think he’s homeless?” said the old man to the other old man.  This one barely clinging to his sham of a life.  The one he’s been pretending to live since he cheated on his dead wife 15 years ago.  How dramatic.

“I don’t think are town has ever had a homeless person.  He’s probably one of those emos or homosapiens the news is always talking about.” said the other old man to the old man mentioned before.  Or so he thought because he has a hard time remembering things.  Sometimes he forgets who’s slept with his wife and who hasn’t.  She wasn’t a slut.  She just hated him and they refused to get a divorce because of reasons.

“GO HOME YOU HOMOSAPIEN!” screamed the delusional old man from the front of the liquor store at the empty street before him.

“Shut up Ted he’s not here anymore.” grumbled his friend in response.

***

Home is a strange concept if you really think about it.  It implies being born into a family and taken somewhere because a hospital can’t be a home.  A hospital is like a hotel for sick people.  Some kind of Sictel or Hotick.

“But what worth do the ramblings of a walking man have to the world.  What is the reason for his moving.  Why is he always silent.  Why is he talking to himself.” said Sean to himself while he stopped to throw rocks at the stop sign up ahead.

Then he remembered back to that fateful night.

“I think this person walks because he’s too afraid to go where he needs to be.  I think he could walk right out of town right now to his home.  Or he could stay right here and make a new home.” said the waitress with a smile.

 

“What a wonderful thought.” Sean mumbled to himself while pushing that memory out of his head.

***

“I’m starting to think I forgot where my home was.” said Sean while he threw one last rock at the “Old Dumb Town: population-who cares” sign.

He walked slowly

He walked slowly right out of town.

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Its Been 5 Strange Years Of Writing

One of the worst things in life is when you like someone. Let me rephrase that please. The worst thing in life is when people know you like someone.  They smile, they gush, they grab you by the throat and throw you forward at them.  To them there acting as cupid.  To the person you like there acting as the trap that set the boulder Indiana Jones is running from.

I am an everlasting boulder.

I try not to like people anymore.  Its something not meant for me.  Like large amounts of money and a higher education.  There’s this checklist of things you can have in life.

O- Love Of Your Life

⊗- Crushing Depression

O- Money

O- Fame

⊗- Good Friends

O- Solid Career

O- Kids

O- Nice Car

O- House

Some people have this long list of things that are all checked off.  Makes me happy for them but I get a little sad when I stare my little list scrawled on the backside of my hand. Not at what I can’t have.  But at what I have.  I guess this is all worded poorly.  The fact I’ve been hiding my true feelings behind some higher bit of self worth that is paper thin.  I like to say what I can’t have doesn’t bother me. Its not that it doesn’t bother me.  Its that I don’t let it turn me into a crazy person (or at least I think I’m not a crazy person).

I wasn’t going to make this my culmination of 5 years of writing on this website but shit happens I guess.

I’m going to make a list of all the mistakes I’ve ever made in my life.  As if I can find some deeper meaning in my life from it.  Or at least define who I am in a new way.  To make myself easier to understand or see (as in that’s the whole point of writing).

  • Being born- Not only a mistake for myself but for my family.  Economically and emotionally.  I hate the fact as a family you only want each other to be alive so you can see them around the holidays and smile about how nice it is.  As the last kid of 6 it wasn’t the smartest choice to have me.  Hopefully I can add more to the world then being a shitty writer to make up for this grave mistake.
  • Stealing Gum- I remember being little and wanting that zebra rainbow gum stuff.  I was told no but it fit so easily in my pocket.  I think about that from time to time.  The more and more I know about retail the more I know how dumb of a mistake that was.  I could of walked around and collected the change for that gum.  Stealing it was as lazy as you can get.
  • Telling My Cousin I Loved Her- I just remember being really little and playing in my aunts basement. I was kid and I don’t know why the fuck I said that.  Looking back at that (I realized this a long time ago) it was just me struggling at communicating.  I’m sure what I meant to say was “You’re fucking cool.  So cool I’ll spell you’re correctly just for you”.
  • Questioning Social Norms And Expectations- Not any specific mistake.  But only that I saw it as a mistake.  Those decisions weren’t wrong.  And looking to how everyone else acted was my mistake.  Growing older and trying things is a part of life.  I should realized all the shit you do in life doesn’t define you forever.   Your ever changing.
  • Getting My Shorts Stuck In My Bike Seat-  I still don’t know how I did that.  It was weird and I had to get out of my shorts to get them off my bike.
  • That Girl At School- You were wrong. I was your mistake.  I was and am still just a dumb boy.  It took me like 5 years or so to even notice that you cared a little back then.  I didn’t even believe it till I saw your dad that one day while at work.  I was never worth it.  I don’t think it was at least.
  • Telling Little White Lies To Make Life Easier- I still do this to this day and its grown worse because of where I work.

” No sir, every manager went home for the night and won’t be here till tomorrow.”

“My computer system won’t let me make a change like that.  I physically can’t do that for you.”

“The state has a law against such things so I can’t do that for you.”

“If I do that I’ll get fired.”

These all work better then “Policy states I can’t do that for you”.

  • Spending That Week In My Friends Basement After My Dad Died- I feel like that is the single strongest event to define me as a person in life.  I know what I wrote above.  But I’ve never been able to wash that week off my heart.  I actually still cope with with emotionally distressing issues the same way. I get in a dark room, I turn on a mind numbing video game, I play it till my brain is beyond numb and can’t work anymore.  I hid from my family, I hid from my friends, I hid from the whole fucking world.  It changed me as a person forever.  My parents had already started living apart and being “split” up.  And the whole rubber band effect on my 13 year old body was too much for me.  I shut down, I wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t breathe.  I literally went numb for a whole week till the funeral.  It started, the music started playing, and I cried like a newborn baby in front of every family member, friend, and person in the community that was there.
  • Not Caring About Anything- I didn’t care about my grades (I wasn’t going to college while living in a single parent household.  How the fuck could we afford that).  I didn’t care about myself.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  I just couldn’t stand being alive.  I played games, I went on late night walks, I listened to music for hours without moving. I so much wanted to disappear from the face of the earth for years.
  • Hiding From My Poor Mother By Staying With My Drunk Brother- Food, heat in the winter, air conditioning in the summer, entertainment besides the local tv channels.  I got really good at sleeping on couches as a teenager.  I remember trying to hide behind a couch one night because my brother wanted me to watch him play Madden at 3 AM. He wouldn’t let me sleep.  I had to stay up with him and watch.  I wasn’t allowed to use his bed because eventually he was going to pass out in it.  One night I stole my other brother’s car keys and hid in it for an hour.  And on the other hand one summer night I walked a mile or so without telling my mom and went to my brothers.  I couldn’t stand the house anymore because of how hot it was.
  • Fighting My Brother- I only see this as a mistake because it got my mother involved.  This defined me in a way I like to see as positive.  One day I realized I wasn’t a kid anymore and it changed everything.  I was an adult who could defend himself from abuse. I defended the fuck out of myself.
  • Trying To Deal With My Alcoholic Sister- I have these 2 nephews.  I love them more then anything in the world.  My sister was divorced and liked to party (I remember when she was married and she would argue with her husband in really loud Spanish).  I used to “babysit” my nephews a lot during all of this.  It was implied I would be paid when she left and when she came back she would rarely follow thru.  I didn’t do it for the money. I did it because my nephews needed to be safe.  I spent years doing that till it broke me and we became estranged for a few years.  I despised her and hated her very angrily.  About half of my life from age 0-18 was defined by alcoholics.  Me and my nephews would stay up and they would ask me why there mom always went out and why shouldn’t wouldn’t come home.  I dealt with her for them.

I was left with too heavy a burden at too young of an age and it broke me.

  • Alienating Every Person Close To Me In Life- I can confidently say I’m somewhat trying to stop this.  I have some friends again.  We hang out. We do things.  From grade school to high school I completely changed friends.  I stopped knowing people I knew since the 1st grade.  I don’t know a single person I went to high school with anymore.  I don’t even remember people I went to college with.  I’m trying real hard to keep some of these people close by.  Happy to say my current best friend has lasted pass being employed at the same job phase.
  • Not Trying Hard Enough In My Chosen Career- I always tell the same story at work “after college I was offered two jobs.  A bartender at a strip club in Battle Creek and a cashier job at Meijers”.  I was barely looking and put little effort.   I will always suck at making resumes and I can’t change that.  But I just don’t apply myself to jobs I care about.  Or even try to escape my current one.
  • I Fell In Love- I fell so fucking hard that I would literally crumble to the ground at work after she walked by.  I guess I felt it too much because I would sit on my knees while talking to her sometimes (I work at a service desk and one end was really low so I just looked like a short person leaning against it).  She was just… COOL.  She knew about music and dumb tv shows we watched.  She was just an honest person.  One of those people that speak with there bodies but don’t know that they do.  I liked her.  I fucking liked her.  And I was too chicken shit to actually say it.  I don’t see that as a mistake.  I really really really really liked her as a person.  I wanted to be friends with her, forever, I guess that means a relationship (that’s what all my friends said((inception-this brings us back to the first paragraph)).  I just wanted to talk with her forever, it was fun, I liked it.  I don’t think she minded being friends.  I wonder if we were too close and it bothered her that other people noticed.  The whole thing was stupid.  She told me not to talk to her again.  She switched departments.  Months later she would see me at work and try to say stuff to me and I wouldn’t say a thing.  She quit.

The end comes to the beginning.  I have so little in life.  But I have a family that’s better then it used to be.  I have a job that pays somewhat better then other places.  I have a car that squeaks and some pants with holes in them.  I have a best friend who has the funniest baby girl.  I have so much in life that I never thought I would have.  My list of things I had in life was shorter then this 10 years ago.  My future surpassed my expectations.

I think I’m just a little happy too.

****

Wow, its been 5 years since I started this website (with the help of a Mister Brian Spaeth).  All because someone read a poorly written little story that made them laugh.  And you know, that’s all writing really is.  Making people feel pointless little emotions with words you wrote.

I’ve discovered a lot of myself that I didn’t know existed.  I’ve publicly dealt with a lot of bullshit that didn’t need to be public.  But here on this website I feel that being overly honest is the best.  I feel that its right to write out almost everything about my life (even if its embarrassing-The girl I used to talk to online, the above cousin section, or the whole having my soul destroyed by a girl I fell in love with).  Its a part of art that can’t be distorted to altered.  Its the pure reflection of life in words.

I want this post to go on forever, have 50 billion mini stories, 70 poems, and emotional heart felt reflection on the world.  But its not going to happen because its 3 AM again and I’m too tired.

I hate myself and love myself at the same time.  I’m not confused I just know what I’m about.  And I’m all about the stupid crap that happens in my life.  One day I’ll be standing alone somewhere, thinking about my life, I’ll be 45 years old and 5 years from my own death.  I’ll finally know true understanding of ones self and with that I’ll finally find that happiness I’ve been searching for.  Its a little overrated and probably won’t be worth it.   But its going to happen.

P.S bonus mistake

  • That One Time I said “I Love You” On The Phone-I know you thought I had a crush on you forever and that’s a fucking life.  It was for like a month and it came and went.  We talked about a lot of dumb shit over the last couple years and its been relieving to say the least.  And for the person who always said shit like “You know you love me you can say it” in front of customers at work its real hypocritical of you to act like I was saying something wrong.  This goes back to the whole bad at expressing myself verbally thing.  I guess what I was trying to say was “thanks for talking to me about shit I thought I could never talk about.  Its taken a great weight off my shoulders and I finally feel somewhat like a normal person for the first time in my life”.

P.P.S It didn’t mean I was confessing to you.

P.P.P.S I DIDN’T FORGET HOW AWKWARD YOU MADE ME FEEL YOU ASS.

 

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I’m Just Waiting

Here I am on the back of my existence.  I made absolutely little to no progress in the last 5 years of my life. I am only setup to push forward. To make my first step.  My first fucking step in life.  That’s all I’ve accomplished in 5 years.  And that’s if I don’t screw up the next 6 months of my life.

I want to do something.

I need to do something.

I can see the open door and its such a nice day outside.  My legs are aching with restraint and I’m just ready to run.  Not walk, not jog, I need to fucking run.

I need to write a song.

I need to make music.

I need to yell.

I need to scream.

I need to make something, anything, just fucking something worth my time.

Freedom is one windfall away.  One lucky roll.  One single helpful push forward into life.

A nudge off the ledge.

Nothing great has happened to me in the last 5 years.

Plenty of good has happened.

I don’t know what to say really.

I’m fucking ready.

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To Me From Me

I hate writing things like this. Its dumb, cliche, and most importantly its embarrassing.  If I could write myself a love letter I guess it would look a lot like this.  But love letters are gross and for fucking dirty adults.

Here I go.

Even though I hate it.

Dear Myself (I’m already dead from embarrassment)

I know its strange to be writing a letter to myself.  Why would I write to somebody who is right here (in the same chair in fact).  But sometimes I randomly feel this overpowering infatuation with myself.  With the dumb way I talk and even how ugly I look.  No, no, no I’ve heard it a thousand times during my life.  “Justin, you’re handsome not ugly.  You look great blah blah blah somebody like you can’t possibly look as bad as you AND have low self esteem”.

I know who I am.  I know how I sound.  I know what I look like.  On a scale from 1-10 life would forget to rate me because it wouldn’t consider me a person.  There is no better part of me waiting out there somewhere.  If they did exist they would be put off by who I am and how I survive.  No one in the world is going to love me so I need to love myself.

I feel as if I’ve fallen hard for this person.  Both the passing star and the ground it falls upon.  I love my music taste and the way I weave words stupidly as if no concern for the English language.  I love the evanescent smile on my face that comes and goes throughout the week.  I love how I can’t sleep but instead I stay up listening to music, watching movies, or just reading up on mundane stuff that has no importance to anything.  Most days I just daydream about dribbling a basketball or shooting a basketball.

In the morning while my eyes are still closed and my body isn’t quite ready to move.  I’ll lay in bed creating the dreams I didn’t get to have while I was asleep.  I’m always in these little daydreams.  Wondering what it would be like to never miss a jump shot, write a stupid little book, direct a movie.

Pick a flower and sing out her name to this faceless ghost I wish existed.  But I am singing to a shadow and the only ears it falls upon are my own.   Writing pseudo poems to no one but myself.  How can I know love if the only person I’ve loved is myself.  Is love listening to the same song on repeat for 3 hours straight?  Is love ordering pizza because god dammit it tastes good?  Is love the idea that silence can solve all my problems?

This is my garden and to the person who tries to peek a glimpse of it.   All you’ll see is a vacant lot and some demented looking man-child watering the rocks and pieces of trash as if there award winning roses.  If I told you all this garbage was my gold would you give all that you value to me for it in return?

I’ll write a sonnet in my name someday.  I’ll bring flowers to myself.  God dammit I love who I am.  I love myself and I love all that I’m about.

I’m worthless and going nowhere at the speed of slow.

I have no redeeming physical qualities.

I can never give back any of what someone will give me if they choose to do that.

But I can do something.

I can love myself.

I can love myself with all I got.

I won’t ever let go of this passing night.  When the wind rips at your back at 2 AM on an overcast night.  You faintly see the glow of the moon overhead.  Somehow somewhere passes a blinking satellite that I would probably mistake for a shooting star.  I won’t ever let go of who I am.  It isn’t much and its all I got.  But I wouldn’t trade it for all the night skies and all the falling stars in the world.

Who I am is one wish I don’t need to make.

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Happy Christmas

Had one of my best Christmas’ I could remember.  Saw a lot of people I needed to see.  Which I could of spent more time with my family on Christmas eve but my job made me stay and work overtime.

I spent almost the whole day at my sisters with my nephews.  Then my best friend called me over to hang out with her baby.

I played basketball with my nephews.  I played basketball!

I hung out with my family, drove around nowhere, ate random food, walked outside just to look at the full moon.

Today was a good day.

As soon as I got away from work I found myself smiling.

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I’m Falling Away

I see myself late at night walking down a road spawning with new shadows with every step.  A course taking itself while dragging me along the way.  Its decrepit yet still unyielding.  My body is breaking.  My soul is withered in this fucking wasteland.  Still they grow darker.  Ever consuming every little negative thought I have.  Lacing them with illicit ideas of death and destruction of ones self. I am an ever burning, ever growing, all consuming pit of depression.  My name is written with the burnt end of a stick.  Rubbing out the flames of my youth in the coldest dirt near my feet.

I am not but the disillusions of my existence.

Simply put I am the lesser man.

I did not win the fight.

I survived merely by accident.

Somewhere at the bottom of the hole.

Sits the bones of someone better.

Someone I couldn’t beat.

Someone I couldn’t be.

I watched the fading star.  I saw the burnt out sun.  I blinked.  I closed my eyes.  I cried.

I escaped what he couldn’t overcome.  My life is simply that of refugee.

I’m purely existence upon itself.

Air is ravaged from my cold beating chest.

I am chained to this fucking rock.

Beating away at the doors of death that refuse to open for me.

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Things That Don’t Really Matter

Things I Hate

  • Me
  • You
  • Being asleep
  • The constant reflex to live
  • Breathing
  • The slow background noise of the world around me
  • The sun when its too hot
  • The sun when its too cold
  • Every little mistake I make
  • Pebbles underneath my bare feet
  • Cold showers
  • Lukewarm food
  • Shoes with holes in them
  • Not having money to buy music
  • Canada (for unspecified reasons)
  • Paper cuts
  • The moon when its up but its daylight out still
  • Not being able to see movies in theaters so I have to wait
  • Needing to sleep more then 5 hours a day
  • The sound my legs make when I wake up
  • Forgetting to eat for the first 15 hours of the day
  • Forgetting peoples names
  • Forgetting people
  • Remembering people
  • Tape and or glue getting stuck to my fingertips
  • Pants that barely fit when I put them on and an hour later are sagging even with a belt trying to cut me in half
  • The current economic system we all live under
  • Cats
  • People who say you can’t hate things

Things I Love

  • Me

Things I Don’t Love

  • You

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Something Stupid V2

Do you hear me now.

Am I loud?

Am I clear?

I’m in love with you.

In every single way.

I can’t really explain.

I just know its true.

The color of your eyes.

And the way you walk by.

Its got me.

oh its got all of me.

I’m forever stuck in this circle of unrequited dreams.

If by night its only true.

Let the sun never shine again.

And the stars will lead you home.

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Fucking Fuck

Believe in me

Like I believe in you

Believe in every single little fairy tale you find

Be the hero

Be the princess

Be the fucking dragon

Be the sun and the moon

Goto the stars and fucking back again

I’ll be on top of the brightest one

Waiting for you

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Trite

I finally realize… I don’t really realize anything.  I don’t see beyond these cliche words.  I grow no deeper meaning inside myself.  I’m just a man obsessed with doing nothing.  If these walls could talk they would speak of silence.  Sad songs and long nights.  A wonderment matched only with my pure disinterest. A lull if to put into words.

This feeling is far too common with me.  Its not an ending.  Its not a beginning.  Its just an existence upon itself.  It lives just because it does.  The same as how I breathe.  Purely a reflex and a casualty to circumstance.

If only if was enough.  My sky would be full of clouds and sun.  But I lay my head underneath an empty canopy.  A starless sky.  It beckons my interest in the smallest of ways.  The smallest spark of light like a dying sun.  Only in example because it exists like a firefly.  Lost quietly in the night like it never lived in the first place.

I’m lost.

Easily found again.

Gone from places I’ve never left.

I don’t think I’m alone.

I’ve never thought of this as lonely.

 

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