Hiatus till I find a working computer.

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Won’t Mean A Thing

The king of tomorrow

Is just another child of yesterday

The way we are is on fire

And nothing will match the light of today

I saw you kissing underneath the willow tree

Playing with sticks and rocks trying to set the world ablaze

What does it take to die

Surely there must be a way

Crown myself the killer

And cut me away

***

Burn bright the color red

Yell till you’re already dead

Bury yourself in bed

With all those thoughts that you dread

***

Wash away with the rain

Take away all my pan

My stomach is a drain

Sweeping my soul down and away

***

Dead strings

Tied to a dead man

Waiting for the tide

To push and pull

All his bones

And all his dreams

Drowning the life

From another luckless soul

***

I did not walk willingly

I was thrust by force over the brimming waters of life

I did not come quietly

I am a prisoner to my own beating heart

Trapped inside the social concept of a soul

I’m planning my escape

Digging a hole in my lungs

Aiming for my stomach

I will erupt with great pain

Escaping on the last bit of my cold dying breath

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Absence of Happiness Isn’t Always

I’m absolutely lost and its the best feeling in the world

Like wind swept rain in my face

Or the last few times you glared at me in hatred

I’m alive with the sound of silence

And awake to ever existing doom that resides in the back of my head

Cloud covered skies sparkle like stars

Cold beds and music that won’t work

I’m shaking and scratching at myself till its 3 AM

I have lows

So many lows

I don’t really have highs

Just slight mediums at most

But my lows come hard and fast

And drop me like a roller coaster that only goes down

Grabbing at my stomach and forcing me lower by the pinpoints of my soul

I like the rain

I like the night

I love the harsh reality that is my life

They may seem horrible and cruel

But what you see will always be the best part of my day

For the pain is much worse tomorrow

Trust me on this

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Barely

I feel like I’m alive in spurts.

As often as someone would jump thru time for no reason.

Suddenly its winter and I’m having a good day.

Next thing I know its June 3rd and I’m smiling at the sky.

Where did the time go.

Why am I such a zombie most my life.

As if I’m attached to life merely by the thread of a chance.

I feel dead but the rest of me hasn’t figured it out yet.

 

 

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Forget Me

I’m waiting on a fire that will never start

And a cut that will never bleed

Everlasting endlessness is a strong emotionless feeling

Words are stupid

Vacant expressions are where its at

I want to drown

Get pulled under without a single shred of a chance of making it back to the surface

I want to die

I want to be killed

I want what I can’t have

Because what I want can’t be given

Take me out to some backwoods

Forget about me

Say you never saw me

Let them find me when spring comes

Light fire to my bloodied clothes and toss me over the cliff behind some fucked up faraway place

 

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If Only Half Of What I Said Was True

If its not my fault

Then let it die

If its not my fault

Then let it be forgotten

If its not my fault

Let it be a lie

If its not my fault

What will become of me

 

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Forgotten Little Memory

I have this feint memory of a day I don’t quiet remember

Its all hazy with the fog from a distant morning

Maybe I was a kid

Maybe it was yesterday

But it echoes with pain that I can’t bare to fathom

Do you remember the day you quit living?

And everything since has just been a shadow of what you meant

I can’t seem to remember it

And I seem to be convinced that I’m still trying

But when my legs get heavy

And standing seems as if its too much for me to take

This little distant memory creeps into my mind

And I suddenly remember the day I gave up

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Stupid Little Writing Crap

I’m two days lost

Another night is all I have

Before I fall over

Passing out with the ceiling

***

I saw the sun setting on another day

And I still have all this blood on my hands

From all those lies I told yesterday

Now I get on my knees and pray

For another mishap to overshadow my mistakes

***

I want to write but I can’t seem to write.  I forgot to eat all day and for the last 2 hours I have been eating nonstop.  I want to quit my job because sometimes my arms act up and I can’t play basketball correctly.  I like basketball more then a steady flow of income.

***

I bruised my arms playing basketball today.  My left arm stopped being as strong as it should.  I have all these little cuts over my hands that shouldn’t be here. I played till my left foot gave out on me.

But my 17 year old nephew came swinging down hard with his arms while he was driving to the hoop and finished through contact.  My 12 year old nephew kept pushing through me while he was driving and finished with layups away from me.

I’m just grateful my right arm never gave out on me and I could still feel perfect shots coming off my fingertips.

Me: *shoots the ball*

Me:”IN!!!!!”

Nephew: *watches ball go in*

Nephew:”Do you just know its going in while your shooting it?”

Me:”Only when they feel perfect out my hands.”

It would be more amazing if you knew I was running straight to the left side of the hoop about 10 ft out, body facing baseline, arm turned toward hoop, head barely facing hoop.  Shooting it one handed for a quick release to avoid defense.

I love basketball so much.

***

I was running

I happened upon this lonely place

And it all collapsed under the weight of it

***

Arms and elbows fell upon me

It became hard to breathe

Shortly I realized I would never be free

***

There is no love greater then the hole in my chest

No warmth in the night

No light under my sky

I am

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I Had A Need

I want

I want so much

I want so much it becomes a need

A need for air

A need for existence

A need to not be a sad little story you forget

As if my life is just

As if my life is just another trivial tidbit

Local man burns in fire

Local man drowns in river

Local man trips over own shoelaces and falls off 10 story building

Is it ok to hate myself

Is it ok to hate the world

Is it ok to hate the few people who love me

****

I feel the warmth of the night

The subtle glance of the shadows

And the ever invading thoughts of you

****

The quiet

Its daunting

It echoes into the streets

Born from this room

From the quiet of my chest

I heard it yesterday

But much like the sun I didn’t realize till tonight

My heart faded away

With every dream

And every song I ever knew

Now my life is lost to the passing breeze

Being blown far far away

****

The warmth of the night sky

Under a million dying stars

I breathe my life into thee

Existing as a supernova if just for a moment

I’m the sky

And every single bit of light I see

If I die by morning

Know I lived for the night

I didn’t lose my way

I just found the next day

Took a shortcut before daybreak

And it took all I could take

****

I broke the window

The one next to the kitchen

The one you used to sneak out at night

I’m taking away your night

I’m taking away your last bit of freedom

Run away another way

Take someone else

And hold another hand

I lost myself with you

And all I have left is hatred

Its a deep color red

And it falls from my hands endlessly

 

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Another Stupid Little Thing

1.

Triumphant

Lost

I walked till

I saw another

My nerves have nerves of there own and there not that great

Sand

Sun

I’m bleeding now

Or am I dreaming

I fell asleep

In the backseat of my car

Thinking of a way to lose myself

Among the twilight sky

Maybe I’ll become my own star

And get lost from you every time it rains at night

2.

Pain is triumphant

Pain is lost

Pain is waiting till you forget why

Pain is watching

Pain is seeing

Pain is broken bones

Pain is hot sand

Pain is the beating sun

Pain is blood

Pain is sleeping

Pain is waking each morning knowing you have to survive another day

3.

But what will become of the children

When men become wolves and your mother is nowhere to be found

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