Beat Myself Up

Colors of the night sky

Painted on my legs and arms

Thoughts seeping from my open chest

My heart bleeds out for you

Like any other penniless thought

And pointless summer daydream

My life is now as meaningless as my love for you

I roll over in my sleep

Staring down at the stained mattress

I wonder

But I stop

I put myself here with those empty thoughts of you

Soundless dreams of me running thru another foggy city street

I can take something

Give nothing

But still expect everything

Aimless as the clouds

As stupid as I am profound

This existence has its up and downs

But I swear to god after tomorrow my feet will never touch the ground

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Toast To My Dreams

What do you do when the day runs away from you.

The onslaught of sun beats you down underneath your rock.

Locked inside till the night comes to take you.

I’ll dance till tomorrow.

Sing till I’m screaming.

And think about you till I’m dreaming.

The moon comes out just to pretend its the sun.

Shining like It’ll scare me all the same.

Mistaking jumps and yells for shakes and quivers.

I love you like I love you.

And I can’t stop thinking about all those times everything was perfect.

Today is the day I speak.

The day I write what I think.

I’ll read what I wrote.

And by the end you’ll know what I can’t say.

And regret all those days I never said a word.

But you’ll never lack for happiness from here on out.

Today is today.

And I love you with every passing second like the morning will never come.

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Perfect

Love is a blue sky and grass stains on your back.

Another hot summer day cooled by an endless breeze.

And all you can think about is how perfect everything is.

How much you love the world around you.

Each passing cloud just an added bit of happiness.

Simple really.

Today.

Tomorrow.

It all gets better.

I fall and fall.

But I can always stand back up and be a little closer then I was.

I’m just really happy and words aren’t enough.

I need to pin you against the wall with my words and tell you everything.

Every word.

Just everything.

I can see what’s next finally.

I’ve finally gained a little control of my life.

Its beautiful.

Its wonderful.

Its amazing.

I love every second of this.

Hey world.

Just this once.

Thank you.

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Writing Treat

I ate too much candy and this week has been far too long.  I’m upset with current writing so I don’t know.

***

Beads: Second Part (continued)

Sean sat in a vacant parking lot, kicking around his dreams.  Why does he have to fall the hardest.  Why does the world weigh on him.  Why is he trapped.

“Is it because I’m not real?” Sean said to the emptiness around him.

“I have thoughts.  I have blood.  I have everything but freedom.”  Sean said to himself freely.

Sean stood up and started slowly walking around the edge of the vacant parking lot.  Taking his time to consider the situation he has been forced into.

“I could just leave again” said Sean.

“But I would miss you.” said the insignificant fly.

“I AM NOT A FLY” said the voice in his head.

“AND I AM NOT THE-”

“It’s nice to know it works both ways now.” he said while turning the page and completely rewriting his future.

***

I wanted to add an epic after that but I hit like a life wall (life wall: a wall made out of life).  And I started the first small intro and just died and shit.  So now it just sits on my Ipod unfinished.

With that being said.

Everything lasts forever.

But we can’t see that far ahead.

And the faint glimmer of earth will shine bright a million light years away long after we’re gone.

I want to lay down and roll away from every single problem I have.

Or just lay on the ground and close my eyes.

Do you see the stars like I do when you close your eyes?

The absent of light is just a void in my heart.

And without the night sky is just another dark place for me.

(wow that was so cliche it hurt).

Going to let this drift away and end.  I don’t know where what is how.  Or who is I.  Sometimes the day is now.  And random words do a dance.  Creating nothing from my head.  Turning meaningless words into every little thought I’ve ever had.

(And they all lead right back to you)

((*throws up*))

(((beyond cliche)))

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3 AM Love

I want to kiss your face and lick your neck.

Breath into you all my life.

Kissing every inch of bare skin I can find.

This won’t last for hours but lifetimes.

I need to hear your heart while I lay with you.

Beneath, on top, and right next to me.

The night is my canvas and I will paint a masterpiece with you.

A sonnet to your grace.

One more petty little poem to your beauty.

I will write with your shortness of breath.

And draw with your quiet moans.

Sing my name while you play your song of love against my body.

I need to feel you against me like I need a spirit inside of me.

And when you bite your tongue I’ll repeat the chorus again and again.

Each nimble finger tracing the veins inside of you.

Take my hand while I take you.

Let my lips rest against yours while you yell out your love.

Bare all to the world while I move you slow.

When its over just rest against me.

I’ll hold you up one last time.

While the moon disappears behind the clouds.

So ending are little show.

I’ll whisper one last set of chosen words.

And when you grin you’ll know I’ll be back again tomorrow.

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Tonight is the night I write or something

There’s a riot in my heart.  Burning buildings and tear gas flowing through me every night.  I’m protesting my love.  And I’m afraid I’m about to hurt myself over you.  March myself outside and put my hands behind my head.  I’m guilty of an unrequited love. Give me 5 years to clean my body of you.  Maybe 3 years if I’m good.  This riot is the tipping point.  I won’t stand for this injustice in my heart anymore.

Free myself.

(wrote this and then hated it because it was beyond cliche.  But I still like it for some reason.)

I love her.

Why is that so difficult to say.

I love them in the way you want to walk in a park with someone.

That deep feeling you have to spend the day with them.

You have biggest imaginable desire to just talk with them.

That’s how much I love them.

Her mere presence brings me this euphoria that I find impossible to describe.

Not quite heaven, but I feel like there are clouds involved.

A perfect circle a mile in the sky.

All I can hear is her voice and its talking aimlessly.

I reach nirvana every time I see you smile.

When she’s happy, I’m happy.

She needs to be loved.

Not because I’m infatuated to the point of insanity.

But because she is such a good person that her existence alone demands the greatest the world can offer.

And she should be awarded for being alive and being the wonderful person she is.

(But I think I’m just crazy and love struck.  Cupid has arrows but I think he used a heat seeking love missile on my heart.)

((I love a lot of people in many different ways and I think its the most awkward thing. I’m sorry.))

I see the sound of the color grey.

Neutral sound all around.

I could exist.

I could even jump a little higher.

But there’s this hill right next to me.

And its so easy to just lay down and roll away.

And let my life turn into trash.

Letting gravity do all the work.

I’ve rolled too far down this hill.

Standing up and walking back to the top will take too much effort.

Its not so bad down here at the bottom.

The ground is kind of soft and it only smells slightly of rotten fish.

If I close my eyes its all ok.

Soon it will pass.

And I will sink into the ground.

Like all the trash around my withering body.

Existence itself is taking a tole on me.

I wish it would just stop.

(This is how I feel about myself physically I guess.  Its like that 9th level of depression hell that is tattooed to my body permanently.  I keep telling myself that I’m waiting for the right reason to care.  But I think I’m just forever lazy.)

G:Hey, I wanted to watch a movie tonight but I don’t know what to watch.  Any ideas?

B: I really love this movie called **** *******.  If you can find it you should watch it.  Or I could lend it to you next time I see you.

G: What’s it about, is it an indie movie or something?

B: Its not indie.  Its about this guy who wakes up in this European country with no memories.  But he like has to save the world or something.

G: Sounds cool. If I can’t find it I’ll let you know.

B: Cool, thx.

(Somebody the other day said its really hard to talk to people. And I’m like a level 56 introvert who has trouble speaking ((like I slur my words and stutter)).  BUT I still find it possible to talk to people normally.)

((Well this is the end of talk time with Justin.  1 actual bit of writing. 1 me hiding my feelings behind a fake art piece of writing.  And 1 mini fake story about how easy it is to start pointless small talk with strangers.))

((( Oh and a delightful look into my weight and eating issues.)))

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Fake

I’ve settled down a bit with life and shit (but I still swear ((and shit)).  My job isn’t a toxic waste dump of depression (right now).  I don’t know why I keep writing (like this).  I wanted to write something fun and interesting but I’m a little tired and far too bored to think this out.

I can’t stop thinking about all the times you never said anything to me.

You know that deep on setting wave of fear you get before something unavoidably horrible is about to happen?  Like a natural disaster or something.  When we get tornado warnings I’ve always told myself they can’t happen unless the wind stops.  So if the wind is blowing I calm down because a tornado can’t happen when the wind is blowing. I’ve researched this though and I know its a lie.

But it calms me anyway.

I lie to myself about as much as I lie to the people I work with (hint:I lie to them all the time).

But it calms me anyway.

When I say its going to be ok I really mean (I’m going to make it ok or die trying and it would be a worse situation if I died in front of you so we’re going to make this work).

What if I write myself away.  Work myself out of this hole.  It could happen, just keep digging up.  The illusion of progress and pretending its not a sinking feeling.  If you close your eyes falling feels a lot like flying.

My eyes are heavy and my shoulders are sore.

The music is too loud but the thought of you is just right.

Lets play a game called love (wow that was so cliche).

Or just sit around and talk about shit.

I think its cool to laugh at nothing (and apparently write about nothing).

I fell asleep at this point (or I think I just went to bed leaving everything on my laptop).

So yeah, done writing.

 

 

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I Fell On My Face

Loving someone without knowing it.

Without knowing them.

Before you’ve realized its too late.

This is my greatest fear.

You’ve already romanticized there smile.

The simple little laugh they do.

I’m already lost to a daydream like its a distant memory.

When we were kids riding in cars to nowhere in the middle of an endless summer.

The one Christmas we got the perfect gift.

The first kiss, and then the second first kiss.

Its a trap to fall in love this way.

But I feel as if I already know you when I really don’t.

I swear to god if you smile one more time I’ll be yours.

I’m sorry I fell in love with you.  I just happened to trip over something I wasn’t expecting .

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Press Forward

I need you to trust me

Believe in me

Only see me

I can be everything

Almost anything

I need a few days to bring it altogether

The Sun and stars

The moon and back

I’ll pull a couple planets from my pocket that you’ve never seen before

I could be a god

But only for you

I know its hard to see this potential in me

But I was born with wings that are waiting to grow

(p.s this is stupid)

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But I Can Dream

Sometimes I’m driving and my mind starts to drift.  I stare off at the passing cars as I start this kind of rift in my heart.

Its stupid to daydream and drive.  Stupid to say hello and goodbye in the same sentence.  Stupid to waste your time on a wannabe when you need a couldbe, shouldbe, betterbe.

I can feel the warmth of your skin.  All the places my hands have been.  I know its safe to say its been condemned.  But damn me to hell because I never want it to end.

It circles my mind all of the time till I’ve run out of this home hoping its done but it never ends and it keeps on going and keeps on going and keeps on going like a grammatically incorrect sentence some novice of a writer wrote.

This passion fascinates me for some reason.  In my mind I have treason.  Deep conceited answers to this problem.  Like a hippy folk album.  I’m singing about love for the worst… reasons?

You convince yourself that you have deeper meaning.  That you’re doing something more then dreaming.  As if your night and day will start blending.

But nobody loves you the way you do.  Playing yourself for a fool.  Watching while hoping nobody sees your drool.

She’s the  greatest.  Easily beyond the rarest.  But you’re just fixated with this non-existent idea of her that’s not really her.  And now your worshiping a deity as if it was god.

Bronze statues (and maybe small animal sacrifices) aren’t really her.  But either way you’ll have to admit she’s pretty damn beautiful.

So while you’re laying in the grass listening to passing cars because you just crashed yours.  Maybe you’ll realize those thoughts weren’t worth it.  Burn the pictures and replaces those fixtures in your mind.  When the cop leans down over you with a frown I hope you realize you can’t crash into her life.

After all, your love was just a shallow little daydream that drifted away.

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